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no one told you that was gonna be this [Music] way [Music] i'll be there [Music] [Music] oh [Applause] just cleansing myself i uh i i well i felt something was it like a sneeze only better no no i mean i mean like a thing on my body what was it well i i don't know it's it's kind of in a place that's not it's not visually accessible to me and i was hoping maybe you guys could could help me out why come on you guys it's no big deal huh what is it is it a mole no it's too wrinkly to be a mole ew is it what a pimple no it's fancier than a pimple look ross why don't you just go okay well it's definite two more weeks of winter hi ross you remember susan how could i forget ross hello susan good shake good shake so uh we're just waiting for dr oberman dr openman okay and is he she of course she she uh familiar with our special situation yes and she's very supportive great okay that's great no one oh thanks [Laughter] that opens my cervix so is there like a story or do they just start doing it right oh never mind okay now wait a minute that is the craziest typing test i've ever seen all i say is she better get the job looks to me like he's the one getting the job okay here i come here i come see i'm coming to fix the copier i can't get to the copier i'm thinking what do i do what do i do so i just watch him have sex and then i say wait here's my line you know that's bad for the paper tray nice work my friend thank you wait wait wait wait you see me again hang on the guy's butt's blocking me there i am there i am there i am you were right apparently it's it's about a young girl who moves to the big city you know in search of stardom but ends up having sex with a lot of guys yeah i got four stars oh wait a minute those aren't stars anyway you want to take a look well i'm not really in a sexy mood right now hey what's going on well remember the first time you saw jaws how long it took to go back in the water we can't let this tape wreck valentine's day you don't know you didn't see it childbirth is it's a natural thing it's beautiful oh beautiful really look really you think this is beautiful oh oh my god no wonder my mother hates me see honey there's don't touch me move on oh you are a petty man you are a petty petty petty petty you are so just doing this out of spite no no no i'm i'm gonna wear this all the time i love this shirt you have not worn that t-shirt since you were 15. it doesn't even fit you anymore oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh look okay okay [Applause] if you don't mind i'm gonna take the rest of my stuff and relax in my favorite shirt you have a pleasant evening janice all right well well there you go [Applause] [Music] here's the thing janice you know i mean it's like we're different you know i'm like the bing bing bing you're like the boom boom my boom ow i'm so sorry are you okay now um it's just my lens that's my lens um i hit her in the eye i hit her in the eye this is the worst breakup in the history of the world oh my god okay how many of those have you had oh i don't know a million well i told you it was chandler who was smoking the pot but it was me i'm sorry it was you and dad you know that mailman that you got fired didn't steal your playboys ross did yeah well hurricane gloria didn't break the porch swing monica dead ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year monica and chandler are living together boss married rachel and vegas and got divorced again i love shaku stone i wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle i want to go nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur but of course this went right in one ear i love how he cares so much about stuff if i squint i can pretend he's alan alda oh good another dinosaur story [Music] one of those gonna become extinct if i was a superhero who could fly and be invisible that would be the best what does rachel see in this guy i love rachel i wish he was my wife who's singing look at this clown just because he got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river get out of the way jackass names in both coast guard anyway that is the coast guard what are they doing out here coast is all the way over there so we just ignore the boats all right we're not finished with our lesson yet all right okay i'm just gonna go over the basic point one more time you ready come on race not again i got it okay let's start sailing and i wanna go over there where that boatload of girls is oh okay is that what you want to do you want to go over get a little shout out to the old hot chicas huh okay let's do that sailor joe quick question though what's this called uh boat bro wrong how do you get the main sail up uh rub it no [Applause] [Music] [Applause] wow did the tv wake you no when you put your feet up on my bed you tugged on my catheter ouchy what are you doing here keller well i came with rachel who who should be back any second so what's new oh i had a little heart attack right is it painful what the heart attack is sitting here talking to you let's see if we can get that rachel back in here so what's new with you guys knocked up any more my daughters lately nope just the one right all right the the important thing is to take your time you want to hit them all and you want to mix them up you got to keep them on their toes [Applause] yeah for some people all right you could uh start out with a little one a two a one two three a three a five a four a three two two a two four six two four six four two two or seven five seven six seven seven seven seven seven seven [Music] [Laughter] ross hey roomies love what you're done with the place well here i know i know it's a lot of boxes but again i i really appreciate you guys letting me stay here not a problem and listen hey since you're gonna be here for a while i was thinking we uh put your name on the answer machine oh no oh i uh i hope you don't mind but i kind of already jazzed it up a little check it out we will we will call you back hey it's pretty cool you're fake laughing too right the tears are real hey everybody happy thanksgiving no no no no no no what are we keeping thanksgiving a secret this year no we were playing this game i learned to work you have to name all the states in six minutes what that's like insanely easy no it's a lot harder than it sounds you always forget at least one or in some cases 14. it's a stupid game and i wasn't playing against other people so technically i didn't lose what you forgot 14 states nobody cares about the dakotas oh okay time's up okay all right i got 48. oh it's not bad babes oh i got tired of naming states so i decided to list the types of celery and i have one regular salary okay so rachel's got 48 and phoebe has the lead in vegetables joey say hello to the new champ of chandler's dumb states game well how many you got 56. bill look at lizzy like she's a 12-year-old girl yeah you know what i know what you mean i do that too i beg your pardon no no i'm not i don't mean i i see her as a 12 year old girl i mean i have a son who's um six and i still think of him as a baby you have a son yeah well my my ex-wife and i uh share custody of ben and um uh and just so you know carol and i are in excellent terms as i'm sure you are with your wife so i'm sorry it's unbelievable don't worry about it i just didn't realize you were married oh we were but that was just a i mean that was just a big drunken mistake you're back you two were married oh whoops i'm sorry you were talking about emily ross did i ever tell you about the time that i went backpacking through western europe okay get ready to see some begging oh you came on to ross what well i'm so happy what are you talking about you use the europe story that's the magic story you use when you want to have sex how do you know about that story how do you know about that storm i heard it from my friend irene who heard it from some guy some guy no no she told me that his name was ken adams argentinosaurus not to mention cold soros and that's just the herbivores i'm not even going to discuss the carnivores their heads are already too big which is ironic considering their stunted cerebral development really but all kidding aside in much the same way that homo gaster is now thought to be a separate species from homo erectus what he said erectus you're you're kidding right no you really said it and while there are certainly vast differences between these mesozoic fossils and the example of homo erectus correct us [Music] your tailor is a very bad man frankie what are you talking about hey what's going on joey's taylor took advantage of me what no way i've been going to the guy for 12 years oh come on he said he was gonna do my inseam then he ran his hand up my leg and then there was definite what cupping that's how they do pants first they go up one side they move it over then they go up the other side they move it back and then they do the rear what ross will you tell them isn't that how taylor measures pants yes yes it is in prison uh would you take one of us uh yeah sure click it didn't click i heard it see i heard it but there was no flash why won't you take our picture oh yeah i'll i'll take i'll take your picture um your finger was covering the lens ooh you ansel adams get out of here all right why don't you go up on stage i've got a picture of you doing the speech okay [Music] will the owner of a 1995 buick lesabre please see the front desk your car is about to be towed isn't that isn't that the the the short story you were writing yes yes it is the short story that i was writing in a minute well let me read it no come on hey uh why don't you read it to her [Applause] all right it was summer and it was hot rachel was there a lonely gray couch oh look cried ned and then the kingdom was his forever the end you take that back no take it back no what are you gonna do make me hey man i work out so do i i do pilates i do yoga bring it on put the plates back in the just put the plates back in the boxes did you just push me uh yeah i think i did all right that's it okay forget the bubble wrap there is a time crazy [Applause] oh my god shouldn't we stop this out of your mind let's throw some jello on them well just until we find an energy source to replace fuel oh well i'll write you every day 15 yemen road yemen goodbye goodbye janice there you are there you are i had to have one last kiss and and also also you said you were gonna leave right after i got on the plane no no i i want to see you take off well then i guess i'm going to yemen i'm going to yemen when we get to yemen can i stay with you where the hell is everybody why don't you like me [Music] chapter one my first period well i bet you're all thinking that now would be a really great time for an intermission huh oh yes god yes well you're not gonna get one because in life there are no intermissions people now chapter seven divorce is a four-letter word how could he leave me i don't know you seem lovely how bad is it not that bad yet but it keeps getting darker for the next four hours so how dark is it gonna get well you got sprayed with two twos and i'm a four yeah but your back's a zero you're gonna want to even that out really you might want to get back in there [Laughter] okay wait wait a minute there's no light on the back wall how do i know when it's going to start hello the same thing happened again you got two more tools i'm an eight oh i'm sorry excuse me we had this cart yeah well i had a 24 inch waist you lose things now come on get out of my way i'm sorry you know maybe i wasn't being clear uh this was our car hey hey hey there aren't any clothes in it hey hey hey hey quit making up rules let go come on all right listen mincy if you want this card you're gonna have to take me with it okay um uh more clothes in the dryer i'm fine i'm fine yeah so i'm waiting for an elevator hey ray can i borrow your eyelash curler i think i lost mine yeah [Applause] yes yes you and and you yes but you cannot tell anyone no one knows how when it happened in london in london the reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it but it is a big deal i have to tell somebody i'm not gonna hit you why not you'll feel better i'll feel better and you know you want to i can see it in your eyes no i don't a little bit no a little bit no a little bit more okay oh hit me give me the bag hit me joey give me the bag hit me joe i'm not kidding hit me no hit me hit me hit me [Applause] you don't i'm sorry it was a reflex oh my god this this really hurts i couldn't help it when a fist comes at your face you duck look oh what is the matter with you you was supposed to talk why didn't you die why don't we talk about this on the way to the hospital good good yeah maybe while we're there they can check your reflexes full points yeah come on if you get five cool points you get to make someone take off one item of clothing it hasn't happened yet but we're all very excited okay come on daddy needs a new pair of electromagnetic microscopes for the prehistoric forensics department okay take pinkie tuscadero up to inspiration point collect three cool points yeah which gives me five and let's see who is going to lose their clothes um i think i pick our strip poker sponsor mr joey tribiani all right relax it's just a shoe okay your band is playing at arnold's collect three cool points which means i have five and that means i get joey's boxers you know i rarely connect with someone this much on the first date me neither i i've had a really good time too you know are you gonna eat that bread oh i i just like the smell you make me laugh [Music] would you like to move over to the couch mm-hmm maybe i'll just turn down the lights a little how about all the way okay wow cool poster or should i say groovy poster so uh dad where were we she wants it i'm going in what the hell are you doing say something clever okay doesn't have to be clever just has to be words say some words any words will do oh my god this is the longest that anyone has not talked ever there is nothing you could say to make this worse so just say something i i i haven't had sex in a very long time yeah you really shouldn't have said anything okay you have 30 seconds the lightning round begins stop it now what was monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie big fat goalie correct rachel claims this is her favorite movie dangerous liaisons correct her actual favorite movie is weekend at bernie's correct in what part of her body did monica get a pencil stuck at age 14. oh you know her ear all right monica categorizes her towels how many categories are there okay everyday use fancy guest fancy guest two seconds die 11 11 unbelievable 11 is correct this is a two-way street really really now this all better be here when i come back yeah of course i can control myself stop staring at me what just a tiny little oh [Music] i'm not even sorry see i don't know for me it would have to be chantal oh she had the smoothest skin i mean when i stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thumb phase three i just achieved phase three really i am totally picturing you with all those women that's that's not phase three well i'm there too well are we all together like in a group stop it you're killing me i think i just moved on facebook oh what is that what is that well i don't want to have a relationship ever i just want to have sex with strippers and my friends all right ladies here's what we're going to do you are going to take off my clothes you two go get the oils and you just constantly scream at the top of your voice chandler's the king chandler's the king i i want to be with her i like her oh that's fine go with your instincts go with your instincts how do i look oh um i don't care [Laughter] there's lorraine okay now remember no trading you get the pretty one i get the mess hi jelly well well look what you brought very nice and what did you bring she's checking her coat joey i'm gonna go watch the cab smell off my hands will you get me a white zinfandel and a glass of red for jets janice janice oh my god hey it's princess in comment okay hey hey babsteen was a very well respected come astronomer i can't believe this all right well you know i guess we know what we have to do to get down yeah i guess we don't have a help choice please help us we're stuck up on the roof and we can't get down ross i was thinking we'd just go down the fire escape i know i wasn't finished but don't worry we're gonna go down the fire escape what the hell was that a lesson in the importance of unagi you're a freak perhaps now i'm curious at what point during those girlish screams would you have begun to kick my ass all right so we weren't prepared i'm sorry i had to take such drastic measures to make my point but i look i just want you guys to be safe oh danger huh unagi salmon skin roll bob here oh hi so uh you met someone huh yes yes i did in fact i had sex with him two hours ago so uh how was he oh bob he was nothing compared to you i divide my lip to keep from screaming your name well that makes me feel so good it was just so awkward and bumpy well maybe he has some kind of uh new uh cool style that you're not familiar with and uh maybe you have to get used to it well there really wasn't much time to get used to it if you know what i mean can you hear anything oh yeah somebody just said can you hear anything hey joey's ass what are you doing well even when they got in that big fight and broke up and we were all stuck in here all night with no food or anything well when ross said rachel at the wedding i figured it was gonna happen again you know so i hid this in here candy bars crossword puzzles oh man lamps fine condoms and you don't know how long we're gonna be in here we may have to repopulate the earth and condoms are the way to do that everyone i would like to make a toast to rachel and joey l is for life and what is life without love oh my god are we supposed to answer o is for oh wow the v is for this very surprising turn of events which i am still fine with by the way e is for how extremely normal i find it that you two are together please tell me you know which one is our baby well that one has ducks on his t-shirt and this one has clowns and ben was definitely wearing ducks or clowns oh oh wait that one's definitely ben remember he had that cute little mole by his mouth yeah yeah hey ben remember us okay the mole came off what are we gonna do what are we gonna do uh uh we'll flip for it ducks are clowns oh we're gonna flip for the baby you got a better idea all right call it in here pets heads it is yes we have to assign heads to something right okay okay uh dox's heads because ducks have heads [Laughter] kind of scary-ass clowns came to your okay all birthday phoebe okay okay if i were omnipotent for a day i would want um world peace no more hunger good things for the rainforest and bigger boobs well so you took mine chandler what about you uh if i were on nipping in for a day i'd make myself op-nipping it forever see there's always one guy if i had a wish i'd wish for three more wishes joey hey buddy hey joey what would you do if you were omnipotent probably kill myself excuse me hey if little joey's dead then i got no reason joey uh omnipotent you are you're awesome hi we're buying the house next door and we were wondering if we could just take a look around oh sure i'm showing it to someone else right now but please look around thanks i feel like we're cheating on our house and if we're gonna cheat shouldn't it be with like a hot younger house that does stuff that our house won't do ours is so much better this living room is smaller the dining room looks like a cave what a hole so what do you think love it well we already have one offer on it and i think the lady upstairs is going to make another one so they could be our neighbors what are they like oh the woman upstairs is very nice she and her husband have two kids uh he's on wall street and she's oh my god [Applause] sure [Music] [Applause] [Applause] what happened i don't know you fell asleep that is all yeah all yeah well uh i better go yeah i think that would be best yeah all right i'll talk to you later okay but not about this no never never uh bye no touch no touch great nap it really was [Applause] sometimes i come in here just to get away from it hey a nickel oh my god are you all right yeah what happened oh man he promised he wouldn't take the chairs what the hell happened how are you locked in or where the hell's all of our stuff well this guy came by to look at the unit and he said he didn't think it was big enough to fit a grown man you got involuntarily i was trying to make a sale oh if i ever run into that guy again you know what i'm gonna do bend over well you know there are other ways you can win back your money how about a little uh a little blackjack and not my game okay uh how about how about you know what we can play a new game a new game it's fun well what's it called cups i don't know how to play i'll teach you come on come on it's really easy really really fun all right okay here you go i have two queens what do you have a two and a five oh you win 50. really oh yeah okay let's play again ready what do you got four and a nine you're kidding right no why well that's a full cup damn i am good at cops you win well what did you have well it doesn't matter nothing beats a three and a six that my friend is d cup um i'm sorry do you do you have a problem with me i don't know do i do i i think you do apparently you were um a little mean to him in high school a little mean you made my life miserable i'm i'm i had no idea i'm sorry i well you should be screw it bring on the yams well but you've worked so hard yeah okay uh will i i just want to say that i'm real sorry for whatever i i did to you in high school oh it wasn't just me hmm we had a club you had a club that's right the i hate rachel green club oh my god so would you all just join together to hate me who else was in this club me and ross no need to point she knows who ross is oh my god it's her it's that victoria's secret model something something good acre hi mom it's jill she's right it's jill oh my god i am trapped in an atm vestibule with jill goodacre is it a vestibule maybe it's an atrium oh yeah that is the part to focus on you idiot yeah i'm fine i'm just stuck at the bank at an atm vestibule jill says vestibule i'm going with vestibule i'm fine no i'm not alone i don't know some guy oh some guy some guy hey jill i saw you with some guy last night yes he was some guy five correct questions wins the game the lightning round begins now what is joey's favorite food sandwiches correct chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast 14 no 19. thanks man joey had an imaginary childhood friend his name was maurice correct his profession was oh space cowboy correct what is chandler bing's job oh gosh this has something to do with numbers and processing well and it carries a briefcase yeah 10 seconds you need this or you lose the game it has something to do with transponding oh oh he's a transpons monster that's not even a word [Applause] oh [Music] hello hello phoebe joey what's going on what to scare chandler oh my god monica's gonna totally freak out well then help me get it off plus it smells really bad in here of course it smells really bad you have your head up a dead animal oh my god oh my god who is that it's joey is it no sharing no switching and don't come crying to me if you eat your piece too fast oh all right you're gonna give me some of your piece no switching no sharing don't come crying to me i may just sit here and have my cake all day just sit here in the hallway and eat my oh hey look there's a piece that doesn't have floor on it stick to your side all right what are we having maybe now's not the right time to be starting a family so you have to tell monica you don't want to have a baby right now goodbye [Applause] okay it's baby time pants off bing didn't see you there geller yeah ross is here so uh uh-huh yeah uh and i was really hoping that maybe you know i could hang out huh you know what what are you uh what do you feel like doing well uh we're gonna have sex i don't feel like having sex uh maybe uh i don't know maybe we can watch a movie or something uh let me put it this way we're having sex whether you're here or not pants off bing oh my god okay i know this give me a second tell it to the time turtle shut up i dream of drinking yes yes you're back in the lead uh i'd like to spin the wheel super speedy speed round is there a hopping bonus of course [Laughter] who invented bifocals ben franklin correct which monarch has ruled great britain the longest queen victoria correct again but you forgot to switch legs between questions oh so no hopping bonus oh every time now over to chandler i'd like a google card are you sure yes no google oh my god congratulations ross because chandler you've been bamboozled this is the best game ever some kids messed up the homo sapien display what do they do well they painted over the word sapien for one thing then they rearranged the figures let's just leave it at that so do you want me to watch bin for you yes that's what i was gonna ask thank you whoa wait hello what about me you you want to watch ben yes that'd be great no i just asked monica because i know how empty her life is hey hey ross yeah i get a science question if the homo sapiens were in fact homo sapiens is that why they're extinct joey homo sapiens are people hey i'm not judging was it really that good we got honorable mention in the brother sister dance category look it's almost fake midnight do we really have any other choice okay let's do it mom and dad are gonna be so [Music] seven faced [Music] [Music] [Music] it's [Music] [Applause] can't hold her own head up but yeah jumped oh my god i left the water running right you did not leave the water running please just just pull yourself together okay wait did i leave the stove on you haven't cooked since 1996. is the window open because if the windows open a bird could fly in there and oh my god you know what i think you're right i think you know what listen listen a pigeon no no way no no an eagle flew in landed on the stove and caught fire the baby seeing this jumps across the apartment to the mighty birds aid the eagle however misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talent meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water baby and birds still ablaze are locked in a descript swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment boy are you gonna be sorry if that's true no but you know condoms only work like 97 of the time what what what well they should put that on the box they do no they don't well they should put it in huge black letters okay russ come on let's just forget about the condom oh well i may as well have listen you know what i was really freaked out too when i'm not hey well i'm not freaked out i'm indignant as a consumer you know what let's let's talk later no no i want to talk now okay in fact i want to talk to the president of the contest oh yeah will come on up up yes here we go pivot pivot shut up shut up shut up okay i i don't think it's gonna pivot anymore you think all right let's uh let's bring it back down and try again oh okay yeah i think it's really stuck now i can't believe that didn't work i know me neither i mean you had a sketch okay you know what did you mean when you said pivot she's just getting dressed is it wrong that i was totally aroused by that [Applause] okay buddy boy here it is you hide my clothes i'm wearing everything you own oh my god that is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear look at me i'm chandler could i be wearing any more clothes maybe if i wasn't going commando yeah i'll tell you it's hot with all this stuff on i uh i better not do any i don't know lunges okay okay enough but not for the bunty no i'm sick oh come on miss isn't there any way that you can just let me off the no no oh my god did she get off the plane did she get off the plane i got off the plane [Applause] he got off the plane [Applause] i do love you oh i love you too and i am never letting you go again okay cause this is where i want to be okay no more i don't want to mess this up again no me neither okay we are we're done being stupid okay it's you and me all right this is it this is it unless we're on a break naked guy's bathroom oh look there's there's monica and chandler hey hey you guys hey [Applause] oh yes i know and joey knows what ross doesn't know so you have to actually it looks really good you can't smelly cat what are they feeding you everybody smelly cat smelly hair it's not your fault monika they won't take you to the vet tanner [Music] obviously not their favorite pet jelly may not be a bed of roses rachel you're not friend to those with noses ross those are the only lines we have sorry okay back to the chorus everybody smelly cat smelly cat what are they feeding you smelly cat smelly cat it's not your fault [Applause] oh i missed you i missed you too oh so nervous about that letter but the way you owned up to everything it just showed me how much you've grown you know i suppose you have ross you have you should give yourself credit i mean my mom never thought this would work out she was all once a cheater always a cheater oh i just wish we hadn't lost those four months but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective we were on that break coffeehouse you bet and for the record it took two people to break up this relationship yeah you and that girl from the copy place which yesterday you took full responsibility for i didn't know what i was taking responsibility for okay i didn't finish the whole letter what i fell asleep you fell asleep it was 5 30 in the morning and you had rambled on for 18 pages front and back oh and by the way y-o-u apostrophe-r-e means you are y-o-u-r means you're you know i can't believe i even thought of getting back together with you we are so over fine by me oh ellen hey hey those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're at home on saturday nights playing scrabble with monica hey sorry i just feel bad about all that sleep you're gonna miss wishing you were with me oh no don't you worry about me falling asleep i still have your letter and wait just so you know it's not that common it doesn't happen to every guy and it is a big deal i knew it