Mastering Detachment and Overcoming Anxious Attachment in Relationships

Hello, beautiful human. Welcome back to the Being Her podcast. You are likely here because you are interested in self

evolution, growth, and becoming a more secure version of yourself and the art of detachment and the art becoming more

yourself than you have ever been. And since following this podcast, you might have come across me talking about it.

You've might have done the unbothered course or you might have done all the courses on margaraseno.com.

So I thought I would compile the things that I've been talking about over the years that might have not made it on the

podcast and that you might have not heard before. So consider this as your cornerstone for everything when it comes

to do with detachment and margarita. So without further ado, let's dive into it. Listen to it on your drive or at home

when you're making dinner. And all of these concepts might sometimes overlap. Some of them are original and so they

might not overlap. So if you skip, you might find something more relevant. But uh hopefully this is half an hour to an

hour to 2 hours. I don't know how long the compilation will be of things that are incredibly useful when it comes to

detachment and becoming the type of person you want to be. All right, let's do this. If you are somebody who has

attachment to people, especially anxious attachment, which I guess this video will be so useful for, detachment is

going to be your most powerful tool to use. I think my story in essence is before I learned the art and the power

of detachment. I was like a piece of a log, a stick in the ocean where I could be thrown from one side to the other

according to how another person felt or what happened. Now, detachment is not, and I'll go into this more later,

completely disregarding or ignoring your feelings, but it's often talked about when it comes to ideas in your life that

you really wanted to happen, like marriage, having children, things that you cannot control. Essentially, you

cannot control what partner you're going to meet, and furthermore, you cannot control what that person does. It's the

conscious acknowledgement that you cannot control other people, and you will drive yourself crazy if you try.

you cannot do it. So, in trying to do it, in trying to check their phone, in trying to look through their messages,

in trying to drive yourself crazy, in the idea of control, you're actually hurting yourself. You cannot find and

you will not find safety in trying to control another human being or an outcome. And that's what you're

searching for, right? If you're anxious in life, you're searching for a stability, a groundedness, and you won't

find it in them. You're going to find it in you. So you need to create a space and a temple in your own reality that

stands like a standstill kind of threshold that everything else around you is

something nice and a beautiful addition to the cake that is you. And it can knock you. Sure, things can knock the

cake. Think can make it wobble. You know what I mean? Things can hurt you. And it doesn't mean you're bionic or robotic.

But the texture and the quality of you will not change because this outside thing is not an ingredient that makes

the cake. It's just something outside of it. It's not part of the ingredients. I think the last thing I want to say

before we go into how to use it and what it means is a story. And that is when you hone the art of detachment, you can

start to breathe light and gratitude into things that normally we don't feel gratitude for. I now feel so grateful

for my ex that cheated on me. It's a distant memory to me because this was over 10 years ago, but it's definitely

something I want to share with you because I think it will help you in the process of understanding it. Sometimes

when you're a person who either comes from anxious attachment or you're a woman, women often want to make things

work and fix things and attach to ideas and concepts. People, we will hone in like a missile into making something

work. And sometimes we'll even find a guy like I suppose I did who's not exactly that into you or maybe they are

but not that much where they're going to invest their life in you and we just decide that that's the person of us.

Like do or die that's what I'm going to decide and I think I did that. There was many signs where I shouldn't have been

in that relationship. We can go in in another video or I'm starting a podcast by the way so we can have our deeper

meaningfuls there. Leave me any comments of what you want. talked about in the podcast cuz it's going to be a little

bit more intimate. But um all the signs were there. Sometimes when people have huge attachment to pe to things or

concepts, what happened to me is he cheated on me. And you know why? That's an amazing blessing. Now that I come

from the angle of detachment because if I didn't have something smack me in the face, like something that completely

broke my boundary for me that's cheating, I wouldn't have left him. People like us, we just stay and work

through things despite it being unpleasant because we're almost blind to the fact that we are here to live one

life and the quality of it needs to be amazing. The man needs to add something to your life. You don't need to struggle

like a mule up the hill of life with him on your back doing nothing. Why were you born to

carry this man on you or woman if you're a grown man watching this? um at the detriment to you. And I sometimes feel

now coming from the concept of detachment that the world, God, universe was like, yo, smacked me in the face and

was like, "Stop. You are not going to be attached to this person." The only thing that could have made me break out of

that habit and yep, we're going to work on this. We're going to try hard. We're going to do this. We're going to do this

thing. Lemon water. Try it. basically is this system breaker. And you've almost got to realize that I say this

often to people who talk to me who go through their partner's phone that wouldn't you rather detach from the

concept of them like you've got to love them, but wouldn't you rather detach from the concept of them being the be

all and end all of your life? Like without them you will crumble. You are 100% of a person. You're not 50% 50%.

and you're not an apple that comes together. You're two apples that make up a fruit bowl. Okay? Wouldn't you rather

detach from that? Because you know what? Wouldn't you rather live your life beautifully now, not going through their

phone? Why are you going through their phone? I know why people do it. Because they are so terrified. They want to find

out. They want to find out now because they are attached to the idea of what this partner brings. and they want to

make sure that they've made the right choice because that partner's reality and how they see you and what they are

doing is so important. And of course, I'm human. I struggle with this too. Not with the phone checking. I cannot even

begin to tell you how useless of a practice that is because if you want to find something, you will. And that means

not that um everyone cheats and every man cheats. There is no everyone. There is no such thing as everyone. There

cannot be an everyone. This is the thing. If you want to find something, you will. Means if your mindset is one

that is predicated on that person being the be all and end all of you and you finding something they've done wrong,

said wrong, breathed wrong. It could have been in the past, babe. You know, it could be in the past. It could be

something. You will find it. If you want to demise to your relationship, if you are convinced that that person is

somehow wrong to you, you will number one find something and number two, you are

orchestrating your relationship in a way that you're cornering that person. You are thinking badly of them. And the way

to make a person do good to you is to already speak into them as if they are. But that's a whole other video. So

detachment, what is it? Detachment essentially means the ability to separate yourself, your

entity, your being, the cake that you are from a person or a goal. It doesn't mean coldness. It doesn't mean you don't

care. It doesn't mean you're robotic or some kind of psychopath. It just means you have a deep root and a deep

knowledge that you can weather storms and that you are your own entity and your own being and you have your own

blessings and your own path to walk. And like I said before about the cheating fiasco,

you can look back and go, "Wow, this happened for me for me to go on to better things. This happened for me."

Because if this didn't happen to me, I would still be trying to make it work. And who wants that? The reason um

detachment is important to cultivate is because the more you detach from people or outcomes, the more you hone who you

are as a person. The more you get to know yourself, the more you rely on your own personal power and the more you've

got something to come back to. It's like creating a best friend out of yourself. It's like cultivating something that is

so strong and powerful and essentially coming off the back of anxious attachment. It reduces anxiety in a huge

way because why do we feel anxious? We feel anxious and like we rely on somebody because in our childhood some

needs didn't get met. Obviously, our father was absent, our mother wasn't available. Um, somebody said something,

some experience at school, whatever it could be, something occurred where we realize that we've got a grasp for

people's attention and people's time and people's opinion of us and outside of it, we cannot have our own. Detaching

from people's ideas of us, you know that question, oh, what does he think of me? Does he think I'm cute? Does he like me?

Does it matter? Does it matter? It will play out as it plays out. Detachment also allows you as a woman not to chase

people. It allows you to lean back in your natural self and understand that the person who you are attractive to

will be attracted. It also allows you to not disappear into the ether of nothingness. Because often when we are

so attached to people and things, we start to emulate what we think they like. And I don't know if you ever been

around a person who tries to say, "Yeah, yeah. What's your favorite color?" Red. Me too. Me too. My favorite color is

red. You stop seeing who they are because they're not a developed human being. And in psychology, one of the

first rules of attraction is that person is deeply themselves. In fact, there's a theory, I don't

remember the name, but if somebody tells you that they love chocolate cake and it's the favorite thing that they love,

you shouldn't rush off and make that chocolate cake. You should say, "Oh, I like cheesecake." You should say what

you like and give them the best cheesecake you ever made. You should not rush off to

fit into the paradigms of their reality just because they love chocolate cake and their mom made the best one. You

need to say, "But I'm here to bring bring blueberries. I'm here to bring cheesecake and it's going to be the best

damn cheesecake you have tried." But how can you discover your reality if you're always attached to other people's

reality and performing in the circus as the monkey that is their reality? You're going to lose yourself. And then you're

going to realize you're replaceable because most human beings on this earth are attached to people and outcomes. So

the way to become irresistible and irreplaceable is to detach. Is to say, "Hey, this is me. This is my world. This

is my space." And I'm okay. It will reduce your anxiety

significantly. There is even exciting times and I exciting is is interesting because anxious and excitement kind of

cross over at times you know if you if you feel the feeling it's kind of similar um just one is expansive and

positive and one is negative there are times when I practice it where I want to know where a certain person is or why

they haven't replied and you can just sit with yourself and you can go wow what will truly happen if they don't

reply like what will truly happen if they don't like me back I hope Nothing. I hope nothing. The only time where I

see that the detachment is not deployable is when it's a loved one and they've gone missing. You know what I

mean? Like they haven't replied to you. I understand. We're all human. It's not a lack of emotion for sure. You know,

detachment might literally save your life or it could at least save your sanity and ironically get you

to where you want to go. There are so many ways to take this conversation. And maybe it's going to be over several

videos, but essentially detachment is the law of assumption. It's the law of attraction. It's

everything. It is taking care of yourself first and letting others take responsibility of themselves without

trying to punish them or trying to control them. So, it's taking care of yourself first. I'm just trying to

repeat that so you really hear it. without taking responsibility for others so that they can do what they need to do

because you were born as you and you are here as you and you literally have no control over other people. You have some

illusion of control, maybe a delusion of control because, you know, that's what we're bombarded with. We're told all the

time, you know, do this to affect that person or when you get married or when you get this job, you're going to feel

this type of way about yourself. But in reality, it's just a recipe to drive yourself crazy. Detachment can help you

control your reality without letting it control you. You can literally decide to control what is in your control and let

go of the things that you can't. It is the knowledge of knowing that you are enough in this current existence and

that something outside of yourself and and predominantly for everybody who's listening I think it's a person outside

of themselves not necessarily a job or an achievement or a piece of structure or something like that. It's a person

outside of yourself cannot complete you and cannot create a sense of happiness that you

feel you are missing in your life. You are not missing that you have everything inside you that you currently need in

order to create your reality. Because if you want to be happy, be it things outside you need not to be able to

control you. It's about the knowledge that it's about the journey, not the destination. That there is no goal or no

person or no family or no marriage that you can have that is going to define you truly. And it's hard to believe when you

haven't yet got there. But many times when people reach their destination, I'm I'm sure you've heard celebrities talk

about it or people who are successful, they say, "Wow, at the end of the day, I wake up with me, the same old me that I

always was." And I'm not saying that material things or a relationship or marriage isn't amazing. It is amazing.

And a lot of my other videos are about that. But I will say if you learn detachment, which I will go into in a

minute, how to do it, where to do it, how to deploy it and how to hone it, if you use it, you can

ironically attract all the right things in your life. Because the desperate energy that you deploy when you do not

detach, when you're totally attached to ideas and people, is the thing that often will drive those people and ideas

away from you. You see what I mean? Nothing has to be how you imagined it or perfect. Also, detachment will give your

partner the freedom to come closer to you. If you are not detached from ideas, people and situations, you are often

trying to control them or the result. People feel that people are energetic beings. They feel that your

life and purpose is predicated on their actions and reactions. How can they be free to be themselves? Things you can do

in order to practice detachment is meditation, visualization, journaling. You know, all of those. I'm sure if

you're watching this video, you've heard about them. Writing out the reality of your life and how you want it to go.

Even when people are involved, I'm I'm sure you can involve them. But writing out reality and visualizations of who

you want to be, a self-concept, getting really obsessed about the idea of where you are going and who it is you are. I

guess we've just discussed this, right? So, it's about the idea of who am I cultivating? If I'm a vegetable, how am

I growing myself? What vegetable am I? You know what I mean? I don't know why that vegetable metaphor comes to mind,

but it's more like, you know, how people are proud to grow like the biggest cucumber at the fair or whatever. Um,

what is it? You are your own self- project. You need to get as obsessed as you feel about other people, about

yourself to hang the concept of self-worth on your own ideas, on your own visual visualizations of you and not

on them. Because if you're sitting there focusing constantly about when he's going to propose, he's not got anything

to propose to because you become a mirror of his expectation. Another one is cognitive reframing. And you've just

seen me do an example of it. I could have been like, "Oh, I've been cheated on. I'm not worth it. I don't like

myself. Why would someone do that? I don't have those thoughts." At the time, I might have had some kind of thoughts

like that. But I don't even remember it to be honest because I've cognitively reframed. You need to write down all the

ideas that you have about yourself, especially when someone's not replying to you or someone's not fitting into

your paradigm of reality and you need to detach. You need to write down all the scared thoughts you have like it's not

fair or I don't like this or they they're not applying to me cuz I don't like it. You need to reframe. This is a

great opportunity because if this person ghosts me, I won't have wasted my time on them. This is a great opportunity

because now I get to see sooner rather than later when I'm married with children that this person isn't for me.

Thank you Lord, universe, whoever you believe in for showing me earlier. Cognitive reframing, have a look at what

it means. Is that ability to control the frame in which you put an idea. Every idea can be reframed.

Truly, it can try it. I think another thing to talk about when it comes to detachment is um detaching not from

people but from your own thoughts as well. I think after I had my child, you often get like intrusive thoughts um

like, "Oh no, what if this happens? What if that happens? You get really intense about like their safety and all those

things. And I read in a book once, you know, it's the old adage of be like water, my friend. And Bruce Lee that

when you're feeling your emotions and the ideas that come to you, you're not standing in the river of your emotions

being thrown around, but you're you come out of the river and you look at the water and you observe them. Right? So,

as I started to observe my thoughts of like, oh no, what if something happens? What if this chair falls? What if that

thing happens? If any moms are here, I'm sure you'll comment um that you know, you had those thoughts. It's very

common. I read in a book um where I was discussing the psychology of postpartum, a person was talking about how, you

know, they were always scared when they were carrying their child down the steps that they would drop them. And the only

thing that helped their mind shift is when they stood on the stairs in almost like a meditation and were like, "Okay,

so what if that happens?" Take me there, brain. Let's do this. Like, you're fearing, brain, because you want to

protect me. But I'm here and I'm willing to observe you and meditate through this. I'm willing to weather this storm.

And I think mine only subsided when I stepped into that, observe my emotions. And at the end, I was able to say, "Oh,

I'm only thinking these things cuz I love my child so much. This is my brain protecting me of any dangers." And

instead of being like, "Oh, why am I thinking this?" I start to think, "Oh, thank you, brain for trying to, you

know, make sure that I'm safe and that he is safe." In terms of your attachment to people, step away. Use this as an

opportunity to get to know yourself. What am I afraid of? That person doesn't like me anymore. Okay. Are we going to

end up alone? Okay. And where would that leave us? Where would we go? like try and face your reality and yourself and

understand you've always got you. When it comes to detachment and work, I think my workflow increased and completely

step up into another notch when I detached from the outcome. I spent a very long time in my youth doing careers

that I plotted and pathed and kind of um pushed because I was very attached to the outcome as opposed to really

observing myself. I enjoy talking about who I really am and what people resonate with. I think also detachment can work

in terms of not even when it comes to people or relationship but in terms of sometimes you might have ideas of

yourself or or what it is you think you need to be. You might be thinking oh I need to go to a certain college or

certain university in order to achieve ABCDFG and you're so focused on a goal and an outcome that you forget to

observe yourself and detachment can help in that as well where you just step away and go. There are so many paths in life.

As Steve Jobs said, sometimes all these connecting dots of random things you do end up putting you in the place where

you want to go. Detachment really works when you're practicing the journey. Like you're enjoying the journey and you're

learning self-rowth and you're really living in the moment and you're enjoying who you are in that moment. It's that

like whole practice of, you know, when I said about like worrying that somebody's going to leave you or all that stuff.

Why worry? Why not be with them and enjoy the process right now and try not to see the outcome because essentially

you will see it like the world always reveals itself. Lies don't often stay as lies and you

will instinctively know and you will see them but you will be prepared for anything that happens because let's say

even something does go wrong. You would have had a really great time in the time that it didn't. Why prepare for things

that might not even happen? I think the biggest thing to take away is if you really do start to practice it a little

bit more and say that I'm an entity in myself. I've got this. Learn about yourself, get obsessed with your

journey, really be on it, you will see that you start to magnetize people and opportunities to you. Desperate energy

is really difficult to deal with for people, for the universe, for everything. So, it's hard for things to

come to you when you operate from a level of desperation. So when you start to deploy and practice this detachment,

not in a cold, not in a cynical, not in a horrible way, you're still a human being. You're still going to feel you're

still going to be everything that you want to be, but you are going to know you got this.

And slowly over time, the way you're going to see it's working is when someone's going to say something you

don't necessarily like, you're not going to be reactive. You're going to be slower to react to things. and you're

going to act and not react because you would have detached from outcomes and you would be acting on the things you

want to do as opposed to reacting reacting reacting reacting. He said this, he said that, I'm going to lose

this person. I'm going to It's just too much. And the reality is in this world things

are not certain. And if you allow yourself to be thrown around by the world

and not have an inner center, you're going to spend most of your life trying to get back up on your feet as opposed

to moving towards where you want to go. I'm going to add some books about detachment into my Amazon list. I'll

leave that below. I think a lot of things I talk about like the 20 feminine energy principles, which is my course,

you can get it in my website as well, is part of that. I grew up very pushing, very dependent on other people's

opinion, very masculine. And I think a part of my journey of self-discovery is u feminine energy and detachment and

flow. So I just wanted to share that with you and I hope it helped you. I think the best way to find detachment

and find not self-love because that's such a broad spectrum idea, but to find self-acceptance and to find

self-confidence and just just to detach from that really anxiously attached lifestyle

is to let go of the person whose love you're trying to win. It comes from somewhere. It always does. It's daddy

issues, it's mommy issues, it's some kind of issues. For me, the number one step and I think the biggest most

pivotal thing was trying to let go of my father liking me. Growing up as a kid, you want your father to like you. You

want your parents to like you. I know you know what I'm talking about. And that wound of wanting to please people,

wanting to get people's approval, wanting to have affirmation from people and confirmation from people comes from

the fact that say your father in my case didn't see you, didn't witness you. I'm not saying he's a bad person. And I'm

sure he has his reasons, but he wasn't in my life. He was in my life until the age of five. When my parents split, he

wasn't interested. I don't know his reasons. He had me very young. People in Eastern Europe did at

the time. So, he might be a person who wouldn't act that way now, but at the time he did. And as a child, that

computed to me that I have to win some kind of man's affection. And that's not I literally didn't think of it that way.

and think I've got to win some man's affection. But I thought I've got to win someone's approval, someone's affection,

someone's attention, and it has to be a person who I guess isn't interested in me intrinsically, just like my dad

wasn't. And then once I win their approval, they'll see me and I will have won. I will have won the approval of

that person who didn't see me. And that's not literally how you think of it, but that is how you try and soo

yourself and your brain. That's why we're attracted to people like if your father was a raging alcoholic, you'll

try and subdue some kind of alcoholic. If your mother was too busy at work, you might find someone who was a work

alcoholic and do the same thing. You will try and win love from the type of person who didn't see you. I think I got

to my 30s until do you know what he what healed this thing for me was having my own child. Having my own child and

seeing my partner father my child in a way that exceeds expectation in terms of commitment, love and his presence really

took a turn where and this is the pivotal part. I no longer want his approval or affection or attention.

Honestly, literally, I feel like, you know, when they talk about first life, second life in Buddhism, like

reincarnation, I feel I've now reincarnated into a different modality, a different person. So, if my father was

to come and be like, let's have a relationship, I literally wouldn't be mad, but I don't need it

anymore. And I think that that pivotal point and I don't know how you personally can let go of that person you

are trying to seek approval from but that is the pivotal step in letting go of anxious attachment and

detaching and being present in your own journey. Because once you cut the tie from that person you're trying to

impress, you're going to cut the tie from the myriads of people who you kind of think emulate them and you're going

to actually be attracted to people who are secure and people who are incredible for you as opposed to trying to emulate

that relationship. The second thing that helped me become more detached, empowered

is I realized that I don't want to nor can I control people. And this is such a really interesting thing to think about

because essentially when you're not detached and you're attached to outcomes and you're attached to people and you're

anxiously attached, your modality of your brain thinks that if I can control this situation and if I can control the

outcomes of what's happening here, I will be safe. Number one, I realize you can't control other people. You're the

only person you can control. But number two, and most importantly, is nor do I want to. I don't want to have the job of

controlling wild, random, strange people who are in my life in order for them not to hurt me or for them to cause me to be

triggered and anxious. I don't want that role. I don't want to be the metaphoric pooper scooper of people who are

otherwise not competent and I'm there trying to make them be okay in life and control them because that control is so

stressful and so tiring and so exhausting. My role is to be myself and their role is to be themselves and if

they do not want to be with me for example as saying in your example they don't see me they've ghosted me I don't

know whatever is happening with you let it be it's not your job to you know guard them to control them to

guide them in the right direction number three is I realized I don't want to be loved for my performance I don't want to

be loved and seen for what I can do for somebody or who I appear to be in their life. Because that anxious attachment

and lack of detachment denotes that if I'm pretty enough, if I'm skinny enough, if I'm curvy enough, if I'm long-haired

enough, if I'm whatever enough, if I'm smart enough, if I know enough people, if I do that thing and the other thing,

you will then love me. You will then see me if I'm popular and famous enough. If I'm this one and that one enough, you

will then see me. But this is the caveat. If they see you for all these performances that you can

put on and at the end of the day, God, whoever, genie, Allah, whoever you believe in, comes down and says, "All

right, they now like you, but they like you for all these attributes that you have decided to gain, your beauty, your

money, whatever. Do you want them to love you for that, and that's the only thing they love you for?" No, you

wouldn't. You want to be loved for yourself. And I realized that if I jump through hoops for people and if I try

and perform and if I try and be someone I'm not, I'm going to be loved for something that I'm not. And that's not

what I'm here for. Number four, I realized that changing who I am for somebody is not the key to long-term

love. A lack of detachment and an anxious attachment is a fear that people are going to leave you, I suppose,

right? Or that you're disposable or the fact that you need those people. if you can't detach from people or ideas is

that you need them in order to complete you and be yourself. I realized that having that connection to that person

and not being detached from them and being so anxiously attached is not the key to long-term love. The key to

long-term love is genuine affection and attraction to one another and respect. So, if you're there hustling trying to

make this person like you, and I know a lot of you are in situations where this person doesn't even see you, I get

messages from you where it's reels and reams of these people's messages where they're disrespecting you and ignoring

you. What is the outcome you're trying to have? Are you trying to negotiate with them, win them, pivot them into

liking you? Do you really think that that is the solution for the long-term love? And you're afraid that somebody

might leave. Is this the person, this guy Jake over here who can't even return your phone call and is so flaky and

isn't even sure about you? You think that's the guy who's going to heal that for you? He's not. Number five is the

key is not control. It's connection. I think a lot of the lack of detachment and a lot of

anxious attachment is about thinking that you can control someone because intrinsically somewhere in your life you

didn't feel loved enough. Somewhere in your life you didn't feel seen enough and therefore your cure to that problem

isn't to meet somebody who's going to genuinely like you back. Your cure for that is to find someone, trick them,

coax them, do whatever it is that you want to do, the performance that you want to have into

making them like you. The key is not control, it's connection. The key is finding that person who you genuinely

connect to and then you can throw your hands up and go, do you know what? Even if I'm with this person for 10 years, it

will be the best 10 years ever. And then if it goes wrong, it goes wrong. You know, we don't know what life holds.

Things can happen that are unforeseen. even like not things like them leaving you, but just things like human things.

We understand, right? People aren't permanent. We're human and we're alive. So, it's just about enjoying the moment

with a genuine connection, not one you've coaxed out of somebody. Number six, morbid, but here is how I think. I

realized that if I'm born alone and I die alone, then it is my duty to do the best for myself. I'm with myself when I

wake up. I'm with with myself when I go to bed. I was with myself through my childhood. I was with myself through the

ups, through the downs. You're the same. You're with yourself through everything and it's your duty to look after

yourself. It's nobody else's duty to look after you, unless it was your mother and father and your childhood.

And even sometimes people like that can let you down. But I can implore you that you are born with you and you will die

with you. So your attachment to somebody else and I don't mean a happy a happy healthy mutual bond. I mean an

attachment to someone where you can't detach. All you think about is them, the outcome of your life and who they are

and who you are together. And it's this sickly feeling of if they don't reply to you straight away, you're like

convulsing with with fear that you will literally disintegrate into nothingness. It's your tribal brain thinking that you

are ex extrapated, excrepated, whatever the word is, exiled from the tribe and you just go into a lizard

brain meltdown. Understand that it's not the way. People's journeys are so vast and

different and the days are long but the years are short and before you know it you will have lived your story and the

only duty you have is to yourself and people who I believe you have decided to take under your wing children pets

whatever who didn't have a choice of being in the matter you owe them something and yourself and number seven

is I became comfortable with who I am and what I look like a lot of the things that I position positioned my selfworth

on because I guess maybe my Eastern European background and I mean in the world the background of a

lot of women is positioned on what they look like but I divulged the fact that maybe I wasn't lovable or interesting or

anything because I wasn't very cute. I as as a child I didn't think I was very pretty or at least I wasn't told that.

So I thought, oh, do you know what? If I do Miss Universe, if I become somebody with beauty or presence, then I'll be

seen and I'll be worth it. And lo and behold, I wasn't. So I did Miss Universe. I did maximize my looks to the

best potential, which by the way is a whole other video if you want to see it. I believe beauty is manufactured and can

be. It's about ele elegance and grace. It's not so much always about the features you have. I understand there's

some features that are obviously unarguably beautiful and some that aren't, but I will say that everybody

has potential and movie stars back in the 50s and stuff, they knew that how to maximize that, but that's a whole other

video. So, I just worked on who I am until I realized part of self-acceptance and confidence

and love for yourself is knowing that a lot of your face holds the heritage of where you come from. Your nose shape,

your face shape holds the features of people in your ancestry line who looked at each other and thought each other was

beautiful at a certain point. Unless of course something weird happened and it wasn't consensual, but let's ignore that

part. All your features, your combination of features is all these people, all this lineage of people who

survived from eons and eons and n of time from the beginning of time. These people were intelligent enough to

survive. These people were wily enough to survive. These people were tenacious enough to survive. Rigorous enough to

survive. And wherever they were, my ancestry is very Nordic and Arctic. So in the snow for me, these people were

surviving in the snow for me to have the audacity to to not like who I am or what my face looks like. It's not always

about beauty, but it's about pride of your heritage and who you are. And I think everybody should have that and

carry it with pride because your features are a combination of these people who once looked at each other and

thought each other was beautiful. There is something about that. They chose each other again and again and again through

ends of time to survive and you are the result of it. Oh my god. So sometimes when you see yourself

as something that has taken such a long process to create and Jake over there is not returning your calls, you just

think, you know what, Jake, people survived in the snow to create me and you're there not returning my call. Just

I'm going to miss you. Eight, understand that the faster someone leaves, the better.

A part of non-detachment and a part of anxious attachment is, "Oh, no, no, no. I need to convince them that I'm worth

staying for. I need to convince them that that I'm good enough. I need to convince them." How about we stop

convincing? How about we stop convincing and we turn it into if you're not for me, the faster you leave, the better.

Like, I do not have a lifeline that is up to my elbow, around my neck, and down to my other wrist. I don't know how long

all of you are living, but you know, I think we've got under 100 and hopefully over 60 years to live, right?

So, how is it that you feel the audacity to hold on to somebody who doesn't even want you? What are you doing? What are

you doing trying to convince someone who doesn't want you to be with you? Why don't you celebrate the fact that they

don't want you and let them go? Just let them go. Be free, birdie. Like, I am not in the business of holding anyone

against their will. And again, there's some arrogance in that where you feel you can convince someone because you

feel you love them or they're for you. They're not for you. Love is consensual and mutual. If it's one way, it's not

love. It's an idea. It's a proposition you have about yourself. And it's the arrogance and

almost the childlike idea that if I feel I want you, then you must want me back. That's not the truth.

Life isn't always going to be what you want. But please let these people go if they want to go. Let them go. Oh my god.

Life is not forever. And the faster they go, the faster you can find somebody that is for you. Number nine,

understanding that self-possession and confidence is the key to beauty. It's

not actual beauty and it's the key to magnetism. It's not like being mysterious and cool and all these things

that movies teach us to be. People that are most magnetic and most amazing and create the life they want are the people

who are self-possessed and just have a calm confidence. They're the person who comes to a dinner and isn't trying to

like overt talk everyone. Guys, guys, guys, it's the person who's got like a calm, cool

air because they know who they are. Even when they're telling the story, they're not jumping over people to say it. If

you watch an interview and if there's a couple of celebrities together on the sofa, the most magnetic one is the one

who's not trying to talk over everybody and the one who's always like trying to jump in with the jokes, trying to jump

in with the jokes, trying to talk over the host. You're like, "Oh my god, you're so annoying." And they might not

be annoying. They might be the nicest person there. But that kind of behavior turns people off. Desperation

is really unattractive. I'm just going to tell you, and I want to be soft on you, and I want to say, "You know what,

baby? If you're desperate, it's cuz you've been hurt. At the end of the day, the world doesn't care and the universe

doesn't care. If you're desperate, you'll be served desperate. And that is um the way it is. If you if you're

desperate, things will be hard to get. It's like a law of attraction type thing. Next, I think I realized that I'd

rather see who someone is than preempt their behavior. I'd rather let someone have the freedom. I'd rather detach from

them and let someone have the freedom to act as they will, as messy as they will, as ridiculous as they will, be who they

are, and then either judge their behavior and be like, "Wow, this person's really impressed me. They have

nobility and humbleness and character, or wow, look at this swinery. The way this person's behaving is true

swinehood." Actually, I like pigs. So, who do I not like? I like most animals anyway. is disgusting kaka behavior

and that's not for me. What we do as people who can't detach and people who want to attach to people that anxious

and and all this stuff is we cling on to it and we always try and like play goalie and and try and preempt them

actually hurting us. Don't get attached in the first place. Then when they act in this disgusting way, you're not

taking it onto you. You're not like, "Ow, I've been hurt." You're like, "Ooh, that's not for me." It's like when you

order in a restaurant, you're not attached to that food. It comes and you're like, "Ooh, that doesn't look

great." You don't marry the food already. Don't shove it in your mouth before it's yours. Assess it. Have a

look. Send it back if you need to. Again, this is your life and this is your rules. You are the one who's

looking after you and you have the the right to send the food back. Don't commit to things that you aren't there

for. So, if the person is ridiculous and is going to hurt you, why don't you assess them? Take a minute to look at

what they're doing and stop trying to preempt it, like if that person, say they're going to go out and you feel

like they're not honest and they might cheat on you, let them go, see what they do. As opposed to being like, "Yeah, but

who you going with?" "Yeah, but can I come?" "Yeah, but but but is there going to be girls there? Is there going to be

guys there?" Why don't we step back and see what this person will do? Because if this person's a cheating type, would we

not want to know at the beginning then when we're married with children? Last but not least, and this one's for

the girlies. I moved into my feminine energy. Girls, my life started to change and flow when

I discovered this for myself. I stopped pushing. I stopped I went to drama school for 3 years. And

a part of being an actor is then going to auditions and trying to get a role. And I would be everywhere, try and

audition for everything, try and do everything and push hard masculine energy. And when I shifted, there is a

course in my description box called 20 feminine energy principles. I can't sit here in this video because the 2-hour

master class and tell you about what what each one of those is and what stepping into it means, but if you want

to have a look, check that out. But basically once I employed all those things, things started to flow in my

inbox work-wise, moneywise, friendship-wise, friends who I didn't want fell away. Friends who I

wanted came in my life. Like my relationship skyrocketed. That's the main one.

In this true authentic way where you don't push and it gave me this sense of flow, which is feminine energy. its

flow. And even if you're a guy watching this, maybe it's time for you to step into

your masculine energy. Maybe the opposite is for you to strive, for you to achieve, for you to decide, for you

to yang. Y A N G, like yang energy. Maybe that will be healing for you. But for my ladies, it's that feminine energy

where you stop pushing and you go, you know, I'm going to create from a place of authentic self- knowing and

self-nowledge and truth and authenticity and everything that is meant for me will

be attracted to me. Guys, thank you for watching this video. If you're a real one, give it a like. If

you're really a real one, then subscribe. I'd really appreciate it. Thank you so much. Okay, let's talk

underwear because you know I like to as someone who wears up to five different outfits a day from the gym to a dress to

something to shoot the podcast, whatever. I know how I feel in an outfit actually changes depending depends on

the outfit and the underwear I wear together. Okay, just go with me. Before skims, I just grab whatever. But now

it's intentional. I live in the Fits Everybody dipped front thong. I love that one. If you never tried it, tried

it. Try it. I've worn it postpartum, pregnancy, bloat, weight fluctuations, and it always fits. Never digs in. I

hate when underwear digs in the love handles. Oh my god. Um, it's basically has zero panty lines. And I haven't I

don't have to second guess myself, okay? I can wear like these kind of bottoms, jogging bottoms, leggings, and you don't

get the line. And let's not skip the fits everybody t-shirt bra. I swear it's the only one that makes me feel like

sleek in an outfit and it lifts, smooths, and it feels like a second skin. You can shop all my favorite

Skiims underwear at skims.com/beingh her. And when you check out, please select podcast in the survey and choose

being her in the drop- down menu. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about secure attachment, anxious attachment,

attachment styles. This subject has become so popular on my Tik Tok that I cannot but address it. I think this

video is going to be as down to earth as I can make it. And then in the comments, you guys can tell me what else you're

interested in and we'll go from there. Anxious attachment has been like the most pivotal point in my relationship

with myself. I read the book Attached maybe 5 years ago, but for about 6 to 7 years, I've been working on my

attachment style. I've realized it's the most pivotal thing for me, from relationships to feminine energy to all

of it. Um, everything I've discovered has helped me become the person that I am right now. And I'm going to try and

make this video as open plan and as much of a conversation piece as I can because this subject is just something that a

lot of people are feeling at the moment. For attach attachment styles, they come from your childhood or something that

happens to you while you are young and you take this attachment style throughout your life with you. About 50%

of people, the lucky ones are secure. You want to become secure in order to cultivate your relationship and make it

go further. If you have an anxious attachment style, which is the second piece, men will call you needy. They

will call you clingy despite you wanting to appear so. People will ghost you, and they will argue with you for reasons

that you don't understand. Sadly, when you have an anxious attachment style, you're actually going to push people

away as opposed to attract them. You're going to instead of cultivating the relationships you want, you are going to

create chasms in which the relationship cannot exist. This third attachment style is avoidant, which I'm not going

to address in this video because a lot of avoidant people don't necessarily need a video like this. I can make

another video about how to deal with avoidant people, but you let me know if you're interested in that because I know

most people are going to be watching this are anxiously attached like I was. It was dire for me to the point where I

think that if I had had a secure attachment style earlier in my life, my life would have been different. It just

would have been different. I'm going to tell you how the anxious attachment style comes about in your life. You have

a codependent style of relating to a partner. For the sake of this video, you're the woman and he's the man. If

you're a man watching this, swap it around. or if you are in a samesex relationship, just imagine I'm talking

about the sex that relates to you, but it's not specific to sex. However, much more women are more anxiously attached

than men. It's just how we're raised. It's how society is. Okay? So, you as a woman will appear in the situation

codependent on your partner. His moods, his life, his ideas will shift how you react and feel. You will want to control

what he does in order to make yourself feel secure. If he does things that you did not anticipate or that you did not

know or did not want, it will absolutely throw you into a a whirlwind of emotion. You are not comfortable being alone. If

you've got anxious attachment, you're not comfortable with being alone. You're thinking of the person that you're

attached to or you're thinking about your next next attachment. You also can't set boundaries. You cannot set

boundaries for yourself. Not only do you want to be wanted by other people, but you cannot set boundaries for yourself

because you are afraid like I was that if you say what is right for you and what is wrong for you, first of all, you

probably don't even know what's right for you and what is wrong for you, but you are afraid if you say it, people

will not want to be around you. You have decided somewhere in your early life that the only reason people wouldn't be

around you is because you are comfortable to be with because you've got attributes or assets that make you

comfortable. In the paradigm of how you see the world, you see other people above you and yourself below them. Even

though you might think that you're all this, when you conversate with people inside your self-esteem, you feel you're

not worthy of things and of love. You feel dependent on others. It might be because you orchestrate it that way and

sometimes you will definitely do so like financially you won't step up or you will make sure that you're dependent on

people just so that you can have a connection with somebody else. You will cultivate those type of relationships.

This one this next one I hate. You will need validation from people in order to have any kind of self-esteem or any idea

of what you look like or if you're smart or if you're intelligent or if you're interesting. You will need someone else

to validate that for you. You will have an intense desire for closeness and not a desire like a secure attached person

would where they just want that to happen. It will be like an addiction like a need for that person to validate

you and be close to you. And when they are not close to you, your whole world will spiral into an oblivion again. You

will feel very jealous. You will feel jealous that your place can be taken in someone's life. You will feel jealous

about people that they're around. You will also be a people pleaser. You will want to accommodate people with your

comfort as opposed to your persona. You will not be interested in how you are as a person and what you can provide for

other people with your value. Instead, you will try and people please. You will plate. You will try and be easy. But at

the same time, that will knock you in your ass because realistically, you are going to try and people please so much

that you will become almost repulsive. You'll have low self-esteem and you will be sensitive about how others perceive

you. You will ask questions about how people see you. You will ask questions about how you look to other people. Um,

especially that one person that you chose to be your I was going to say victim, but it's it's not like that, but

your your source, I would say, of energy. And sometimes I feel anxious attachment gets the rep for being um

like broken and small and needing. But I think there is something to this energy that is kind of vampiric where you need

somebody to now that I am healing and have healed. I believe I have healed it and I'm now securely attached. There is

something to that energy that was almost vampirelike where you needed somebody else's energy in order to feel better.

If you have anxious attachment, you will not trust. You will check phones. You will think people are here to hurt you.

And at the same time as doing that, you will put up with unhealthy relationships. As opposed to leaving

those relationships, you will put up with unhealthy relationships, giving excuses about why why that person truly

actually does love you and isn't at fault. Now, the reason I told you all of this is because I want you to evaluate

whether this is you and how it's impacting your life. Like I said, people will push you away or be pushed away by

you, no matter how much of an amazing person you are. I feel if you have this kind of anxious attachment style, it

almost becomes like a cloud over the person that you truly are. I'm not a medical professional, but I have gone

through this and I have come out on the other side. So, if this helps you, I want to help you. I'm a believer that

unless you wrestle with this like the dragon that it is and eliminate it from your life through the methods that I'm

going to tell you, it will jeopardize relationships and it will jeopardize you. It will jeopardize you because you

are you. You are the incredible human being that was born and because of experiences, you develop this attachment

style. This does not mean it's you. When I advise on my Tik Toks that people shouldn't, you know, bombard people or

text them back or ask why they ghosted, they say, "Oh, I don't want to play games. I just want to ask them why they

ghosted." It's not a game. You have to have some kind of rigor and some kind of self-discipline in order to knock this

out of your idea of being. And the way I healed it for myself is I learned intensely about what it means to be

anxiously attached, all the reasons that I just told you. And I decided I made the decision that that is not my

personality. I then learned what it is to be securely attached and I decided that this is now me. People are born as

they are. But people make themselves into who they want to be. It's like a self-manufacturing process. I need you

to manufacture a new version of yourself. You cannot be this person who pushes people away, who asks for

validation, who doesn't trust because you will not. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You think

everyone's going to leave you and doesn't like you. The behaviors you do is actually going to lead to people

leaving you and not liking you. You need to learn what secure attachment is and act as if you are until the neurons in

your brain form a pathway to understand that when I act secure, people like me. When I act anxious, people are pushed

away. Essentially, people who are anxious have had a trauma when it comes to attachment in their life. For me,

it's that I don't have a dad. I had him until the age of five and then we don't have a relationship anymore. So, my

whole childhood and and also I'm an immigrant of um I moved to another country when I was very young and never

saw my family. So, it's those two things. There's nothing I did wrong. It's nothing anyone else did wrong. My

father made the choices he wanted to. It's absolutely fine. But as a child imprints on you as an anxious attachment

where you feel, oh, I've got to grab onto people. I've got to grasp onto people. I've got to make sure that they

don't run away from me. But actually, you running after people makes them run. You need to stand in your power and know

who you are and practice secure attachment like any other practice in the world until it becomes you. And you

will see that your true personality can then shine and people can come into your life. I'm going to tell you now the

behaviors that you exemplify when you're anxiously attached. You know you're anxiously attached if you're calling and

texting people non-stop when they haven't replied. When you cannot give them that space,

you always need to text. And when you haven't text, you have an anxiety. You feel like something's wrong. You need

that fix more than you need a good relationship. You need that fix of them replying more than you need them to

respect you and see you as a wholesome person. You're constantly checking social media. Where are they? What are

they doing? What do they look at? Who do they like? You're preoccupied with their existence as opposed to your reality.

You are suspicious when life is good. You when life is good and you've got a good partner, you are suspicious that

something is going to slip up. You go along with what your partner wants to the detriment of the relationship. You

build resentment. You go with what they want. They want to eat pizza tonight. Yeah, of course. They want to go here.

Yeah, of course. They want you to cook, but you're tired? Yeah, of course. Until it builds up so much that you've got

resentment in you. You can't say no. Not because you're so kind and so nice, but because you're scared that you're going

to get thrown in the bin, that you're going to be rejected. You constantly ask your partner if they find you attractive

or they like you. You constantly ask what it is about you that they like. I used to do this kind of thing. Listen to

me. It's the worst possible thing that you can do. Not not only for their attraction towards you, but for your own

mental health. You don't want to hear their answers. You don't want to see their face change as you ask that

question. You're going to read into it with your brain as it is right now with your anxious attachment. Anything they

say, you're going to scan and it's going to be to your detriment. You just need to be in yourself, in your own

embodiment, in your power, and know that everything is going to be okay. You avoid breaking up from a bad

relationship. You know it's bad. You asked your friends. They already told you that he probably doesn't like you.

You keep seeking validation from this person. You know why? Because they remind you of the person in your

childhood who hurt you. You want love from that guy who does not want you, but kind of sticks around. Because if you

can win his love, then it will remind you and it will let you know that the love of the person you lost as a child

or you felt tethered from you was worth it. That you now want it in the present future because this guy is similar to

the person who hurt you. So, you couldn't get their love and now that situation is gone, but you can get his

love. You've proven to yourself that you're worth it. But that's not how it works. You can never prove that you've

been worth it. You need to let it go. Even if you're the ripest peach, not everybody likes peaches. That person in

the past who didn't love you enough, who didn't see your worth, they did not not see you because they didn't see you

because you were bad. They just didn't see you because they didn't want to see. That's it. There's nothing more to it.

It's their journey. You need to let them have that journey. At the essence of it, anxious attachment will sabotage your

relationships and it will cause you to not live in the moment. Anxious attachment always lives in the future of

prediction. Is he going to cheat on me? Is he going to hurt me? Is he not the one? Does he not find me this? Does he

not find me that? Since healing from it, I still have moments when when I drop into that and I really have to like snap

myself out of it. Am I the one? Does he like me? Does he this one? Does he that one? No. You need to become securely

attached. This is how you do it. You need to learn to regulate your emotions. You need to find a way to regulate your

emotions without that person telling you that everything's going to be okay. Finding a way to regulate your emotions

without somebody else is up to you. Do you want to meditate? Do you want to sit with yourself? You just need to not ask

people how they feel in order to make you feel better until it becomes a practice for yourself. You cannot always

rely on somebody else to fix your emotions. You have to have some kind of pillar of strength in yourself in order

to regulate yourself. Secure people trust others. You need to deploy the element of trust. If you decided to be

in a relationship with a person before it is broken, you cannot lead a relationship from the position of

distrust and seeking a negative in that person constantly because then you will find it. That's just how life works.

That is the magnetism of the universe. That is what it is. So just dispense the idea that you're

somehow going to find that they're trying to hurt you and just trust them if you will until they do hurt you. If

you're so convinced that they are going to hurt you, fine. But just let life flow until they do. What is the point of

living in in in perpetual anxiety, hence the anxious attachment until they hurt you? You might have a good 15 years

until they do. Why be in that hurt constantly? Why always be seeking for something? Just trust a person until and

if they break that trust. Imagine they were never going to. Imagine with your actions, you've pushed them away and you

lose a relationship and they were no never going to break your trust. Imagine that is the reality. You should be more

scared of that than somebody hurting you. Because if you were in your truth and you were correct and you were in

your goodness and then they are a bad person and they hurt you. When you walk away, you can walk away knowing you've

done your best. You can walk away with a clear conscience. You can walk away knowing that you've been progressing and

growing as a person that whole time and what they did is up to them, not up to you. That's on them. Secure people have

effective communication skills. They say what they desire and what they want as opposed to searching for outs in people

and searching for inadequacies in people. Instead of saying, "Oh, why didn't you call me last night?" They

say, "I love it when you call me. I'd love it if you called me tomorrow." They say what they want as opposed to what

that person did not do. And then after saying what they want, if that person does not deliver what they want for

months or years, they then don't want to be with that person. as opposed to taking a person who doesn't want to do

these things for you and trying to twist them into submission and making them do those things. You need to communicate

clearly with your wants and needs as opposed to playing games. Secure people seek emotional support, not validation.

They say, "I'm feeling tired today. I would really love to spend time with you." Or, "I really need your help on

this issue. These people at work did this." They seek emotional support. They watch what is happening. And let's say

after 2 months he just does not call you and you've been the one calling him. You'll say, "Do you know what? I'd love

it if you'd call me sometimes. It makes me feel really happy and it makes me sad when you don't." Open, clear