Unlocking Success: The Power of Emotional Intelligence

forward not education not experience not knowledge or intellectual horsepower none of these serve as an adequate

predictor as to why one person succeeds and another doesn't there is something else going on that Society doesn't seem

to account for we see examples of this every day in our workplaces our homes our churches our schools and our

neighborhoods we observe supposedly brilliant and well educated people struggle While others with fewer obvious

skills or attributes flourish and we ask ourselves why the answer almost always has to do with this concept called

emotional intelligence and while it is harder to identify and measure than Ikea or experience and certainly defy cult to

capture on a resume its power cannot be denied and by now it's not exactly a secret

people have been talking about emotional intelligence for a while but somehow they haven't been able to harness its

power after all as a society we continue to focus most of ourself Improvement energy

in the pursuit of knowledge experience intelligence intelligence and education this would be fine if we could honestly

say we had a full understanding of our emotions not to mention the emotions of others and an understanding of how our

emotions influence our lives so fundamentally every day I think the reason for this gap between the

popularity of emotional intelligence as a concept and its application in society is twofold first people just don't

understand it they often mistake emotional intelligence for a form of Charisma or gregariousness second they

don't see it as something that can be improved either you have it or you don't and that's why this is such a helpful

book by understanding what emotional intelligence really is and how we can manage it in our lives we can begin to

leverage all of that intelligence education and experience we've been storing up for all these years

so whether you've been wondering about emotional intelligence for years or know nothing about it this book can

drastically change the way you think about success you might want to read it twice Patrick lynchione author of The

Five dysfunctions of a team president of the table group chapter one The Journey the warm

California Sun greeted Butch Connor as he stepped out of his truck and onto the Sands of Salmon Creek Beach it was the

first day of a long holiday weekend and a perfect morning to grab his board and head out for a surf most of the other

local Surfers had the same idea that morning and after 30 minutes or so Butch decided to leave the crowd behind us he

penetrated the water surface with long deep Strokes that propelled him away from the pack and over to a stretch of

beach where he could catch a few waves away from the crowd once Butch had paddled a good 40 yards away from the

other Surfers he sat up on his board and bobbed up and down and the rolling swells while he waited for a wave that

caught his fancy beautiful teal wave began to Crest as it approached the shoreline and as Butch

laid down on his board to Catch the Wave a loud Splash behind him stole his attention

Butch glanced over his right shoulder and froze in horror at the sight of a 14-inch gray dorsal fin cutting through

the water toward him Butch's muscles locked up and he lay there in a panic gasping for air

he became hyper focused on his surroundings he could hear his heart pounding as he watched the sun

glistening on the fiance moist surface the approaching wave stood tall to reveal Butch's worst nightmare in the

shimmering translucent surface a massive great white shark that stretched 14 feet from nose to tail Paralyzed by the fear

coursing through his veins Butch let the wave roll past and with it a speedy ride to the safety of the shoreline it was

just the shark in him now it swam in a semi-circle and approached him head ah the shark drifted in slowly along his

left side and he was too transfixed by the proximity of the massive fish to notice his left leg dangling perilously

off his surfboard in The Frigid saltwater it's as big around as my Volkswagen Butch thought as the dorsal

fin approached he felt the approaching waves Stand Tall to reveal Butch's worst nightmare in the shimmering translucent

surface a massive great white shark that stretched 14 feet from nose to tail sudden urge to reach out and touch the

shark it's gonna kill me anyway why shouldn't I touch it the shark didn't give him a chance

the shark with a massive Chomp of its jaws thrust its head upward from underneath Butch's leg Butch's leg

stayed on top of the shark's Rising boulder-sized head and out of its cavernous mouth and he fell off the

opposite side of his surfboard into the murky walk Butch splashing into the water sent the shark into a

frenzy the shark waved its head about maniacally while snapping its jaws open and shut the great white struck nothing

it blasted water in all directions as it thrashed about the irony of floating alongside a three

thousand pound killing machine without so much as a scratch was not lost on Butch neither was the grave reality that

this apex predator was unlikely to miss again thoughts of escape and survival flooded Butch's mind as quickly and

completely as Terror had in the moments prior the Sharks stopped snapping and swam around Butch in tight circles

instead of climbing back on a surfboard Butch floated on his belly with his arms draped over the board he rotated the

surfboard as the shark circled using the surfboard as a makeshift barrier between himself and the man-eater Butch's fear

morphed into anger as he waited for the Beast to strike the shark came at him again and Butch decided it was time to

put up a fight he aimed a sharp pointed nose of his surfboard at the shark as it approached when it raised its head out

of the water to bite Butch jammed the nose of the board into the shark slotted gills this blow sent the shark into

another bout of nervous thrashing Butch climbed atop his board and yelled shark at the pack of surfers down the

beach Butch's warning in the sight of the turbulent cauldron of white water around him sent the Surfers Racing for

dry land Butch also paddled towards safety but the Sharks stopped him dead in his tracks after just a few Strokes

it surfaced in his path to the Shoreline and then began circling him once more Butch came to the dire conclusion that

his evasive tactics were merely delaying the inevitable and a paralyzing fear took hold of him yet again Butch lay

there trembling on his surfboard while the shark Circle he mustered the will to keep the tip of his board pointed in the

shark's Direction but he was too terror-stricken to get back in the water and use his board as a barrier Butch's

thoughts raced between Terror and sadness he wondered what his three children were going to do without him

and how long his girlfriend would take to move on with her life he wanted to live he wanted to live he wanted to

escape this monster and he needed to calm down if that was ever going to happen Butch convinced himself that the

shark could sense his fear like a rabid dog he decided that he must get hold of himself because it was his fear that was

motivating the shark to strike to Butch's surprise his body listened the trembling subsided and the blood

returned to his arms and legs he felt strong he was ready to paddle and paddle Butch did straight for the shoreline

a healthy rip current ensured that his journey to shore was a nerve rattling 5e minutes of paddling like Matt with the

sense that the shark was somewhere behind him and could strike at any moment

when Butch made it to the beach an awestruck group of surfers and other beachgoers were waiting for him the

Surfers thanked him profusely for the warning and patted him on the back for Butch Connor standing on dry land

had never felt so good when reason and feeling Collide Butch and the Great White weren't fighting the only battle

in the water that morning the water that morning deep inside Butch's brain his reasons

struggled for control of his behavior against an onslaught of intense emotions the bulk of the time his feelings won

out which was mostly to his detriment paralyzing fear but at times a benefit the anger fueled jab of his surfboard

with great effort Butch was able to calm himself down and realizing the shark wasn't going away make the risky paddle

for sure that saved his life though most of us will never have to tussle with a great white shark our brains battle it

out like butchers every single day the daily challenge of dealing effectively with emotions is critical to The Human

Condition because our brains are hardwired to give emotions the upper hand here's how it works everything you

see smell hear taste and touch travels through your body in the form of electric signals these signals pass from

cell to cell until they reach their ultimate destination your brain they enter your brain at the base near the

spinal cord but must travel to your frontal lobe behind your forehead before reaching the place where rational

logical thinking takes place the trouble is they pass through your limbic system along the way the place where emotions

are produced this journey ensures you experience things emotionally before your reason can kick into gear the

rationale area of your brain the front of your brain can't stop the emotion felt by your limbic system but the two

areas do influence each other and maintain constant communication the communication between your emotional and

rational brains is the physical source of emotional intelligence when emotional intelligence was fire-s discovered it

served as the missing link in a peculiar finding people with the highest levels of intelligence IQ outperform those with

average IQ just 20 percent of the time while people with average IQs outperform those with high Ike 70 the physical

pathway for emotional intelligence starts in the brain at the spinal cord your primary senses enter here and must

travel to the front of your brain before you can think rationally about your experience

but first they travel through the limbic system the place where emotions are experienced emotional intelligence

requires effective communication between the rational and emotional centers of the brain percent of the time this

anomaly through a massive wrench into what many people had always assumed was the source of success IQ scientists

realize there must be another variable that explains success above and beyond one's IQ and years of research and

countless studies pointed to emotional intelligence uq as the critical factor a Time Magazine cover in hours of

Television coverage introduced Millions to EK and once people were exposed to it they wanted to know more they wanted to

know how Eck worked and who had it most importantly people wanted to know if they had it books emerged to scratch

this itch including our own the emotional intelligence QuickBook released in 2004 the QuickBook was

unique and still is because each copy contained a passcode that let the reader go online and take the world's most

popular EQ test the emotional intelligence appraisal re the book satisfied reader's curiosity by teaching

the ins and outs of eeksian thanks to the test providing a new self-perspective that wasn't available

anywhere else people with the highest levels of intelligence IQ outperform those with

average I Keys just 20 at the time while people with average IQ outperform those with high IQ 70s of the time

the emotional intelligence QuickBook hit home it was an instant bestseller that has been translated into 23 languages

and is now available in more than 150 countries but times have changed the emotional intelligence field is on the

Steep incline of a new wave of understanding how people can improve their EQ and make lasting gains that

have a profoundly positive impact upon their lives just as knowing your e-score was

reserved for the privileged few before the publication of the emotional intelligence QuickBook learning how to

increase your ECU something that happens only in isolated circles our company trains hundreds of people

each week to increase their eKEY but even at T is Pace it would take 3840 years to hit every adult in the U.S

we realize that we've unwittingly been holding important information back we believe everyone should have the

opportunity to increase his or her eek and have created this book to make it possible your journey emotional

intelligence 2.0 has one purpose increasing your EQ these pages will take you far beyond knowing what eiki is and

how you score you'll Discover Time tested strategies that you can begin using today to take your EK to new

heights as you transform yourself and bring new skills into your life you'll reap all of the benefits that this

incredible human ability has to offer the 66 strategies in this book are the result of many years of careful testing

with people just like you these strategies provide the specifics of what you need to say do and think to increase

your EQ to glean everything they have to offer you need to know where to focus your attention the first major step in

your journey to a higher eek is to go online and take the new edition of the emotional intelligence appraisal R test

taking the test now provides a baseline against which you can gauge your improvement as you read on and learn

measuring your eek takes your learning Beyond a conceptual or motivational exercise your score profile uncovers the

Eek skills you need to improve the most and it pinpoints the individual strategies from this book that will get

you there this feature is new to 2.0 and it takes the guesswork out of choosing the strategies that will increase your

EK the most the value of measuring your EQ now is akin to learning the waltz with an actual partner if I tell you how

the Dance Works you're likely to learn something and may even get the urge to try it yourself if as I show you how to

do the waltz you practice each step with a partner your chances of remembering them later on the dance fell or go up

exponentially the E key profile you receive from taking the emotional intelligence

appraisal R is your dance partner in developing these skills it will remind you where to step With Every Beat of the

Music your online report includes a goal tracking system that summarizes the skills you are working on and provides

automatic reminders to help you stay focused EO learning activities bring EK to life

via clips from Hollywood movies television and real world events you will also learn how your scores compare

to other peoples you will see what percentage of the population you scored higher than and how your scores compare

to those of specific groups with which you share certain characteristics you can ask your report to contrast your

scores with others based on gender age region of the world job type and job title for example you might discover how

you compare to other women in their 40s who hold a marketing manager title at a company in North America

in addition to receiving the most accurate scores possible taking the emotional intelligence appraisal R now

lets you see how much your eke scores increase with time you can take the test twice you can take the test twice and

now and again after you've had enough time to practice and adopt the strategies from this book after you

complete the test a second time your updated feedback report will display your scores side by side and offer

insights into how you've changed and what your next step should be to keep your you keep working for you the orange

insert at the back of this book contains instructions for going online to access the emotional intelligence appraisal or

as well as the unique passcode that you'll need to access the test emotions can help you and they can hurt

you but you have no say in the matter until you understand them we invite you to begin your journey now because we

know that emotional Mastery and understanding can become realities for you chapter 2 the big picture before you

take a closer look at each of the four eke skills in the next chapter there are some important things you need to know

about eke as a whole over the last decade we've tested more than 500 000 people to explore the role

emotions play in daily living we've learned how people see themselves versus what others see and we've observed how

various choices affect personal and professional success despite the growing focus on eek a

global deficit in understanding and managing emotions remains only 36 percent of the people we tested are able

to accurately identify their emotions as they happen this means that two-thirds of us are

typically controlled by our emotions and are not yet skilled at spotting them and using them to our binify tea emotional

awareness and understanding are not taught in school we enter the workforce knowing how to read write and report on

bodies of knowledge but too often we lack the skills to manage our emotions In the Heat of the challenging problems

that we Face good decisions require far more than factual knowledge they are made using self-knowledge and emotional

Mastery when they're needed most considering the range of emotions people Express it's no wonder they can get the

better of us we have so many words to describe the feelings that surface in life yet all emotions are derivations of

five E core feelings happiness sadness anger fear and shame As you move through your daily routine

whether you're working spending time with family or friends eating exercising relaxing or even sleeping you are

subject to a constant stream of emotions it is so easy to forget that we have emotional reactions to almost everything

that happens in our lives whether we notice them or not the complexity of these emotions is revealed in their

varying forms of intensity only 36 percent of the people we tested are able to accurately identify their emotions as

they happen triggers and emotional hijackings while Butch Connor was being attacked by a great white shark he

experienced several emotional hijackings moments when his emotions controlled his behavior and he reacted without thinking

typically the more intense your emotions are the greater the likelihood that they will dictate your actions matters of

life or death such as being attacked by a massive Beast are certain to induce a temporary emotional hijack in Butch's

case emotional hijackings left him Paralyzed by fear but even in the presence of a man eater Butch was able

to use his thoughts to Take Back Control from his emotions Butch reasoned with himself until the

paralysis subsided and he was calm enough to complete the paddle to shore Butch's thoughts didn't make his

feelings of fear and Terror disappear but they did keep his emotions from hijacking his behavior since our brains

are wired to make us emotional creatures your first reaction to an event is always going to be an emotional one you

have no control over this part of the process you do control the thoughts that follow an emotion and you have a great

deal of say in how you react to an emotion as long as you are aware of it some experiences produce emotions that

you are easily aware of other times emotions may seem non-existent when something generates a prolonged

emotional reaction in you it's called a trigger event your reaction to your triggers is shaped by your personal

history which includes your experience with similar situations as your eek skills grow you'll learn to

spot your triggers and practice productive ways of responding that will become habitual

sizing up the whole person's emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and understand emotions in

yourself and others and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationship

emotional intelligence is the something in each of us that is a bit intangible it affects how we manage Behavior

navigate social complexities and make personal decisions that achieve positive results

emotional intelligence Taps into a fundamental element of human behavior that is distinct from your intellect

there is no known connection between IQ and you you simply can't predict EQ based on how smart someone is cognitive

intelligence or IQ is not flexible your I key short of a traumatic event such as a brain injury is fixed from birth you

don't get smarter by learning new facts or information intelligence is your ability to learn and it's the same at

age 15 as it is it is at age 50. Eco on the other hand is a flexible skill that can be learned while it is true that

some people are naturally more emotionally intelligent than others a high e can be developed even if you

aren't born with it personality is the final piece in the puzzle it's the stable style that defines each

of us your personality is a result of your preferences such as your inclination to introversion or

extroversion however like IQ personality can't be used to predict emotional intelligence also like IQ personality is

stable over a lifetime personality traits appear early in life and they don't go away people often assume that

certain traits for example extroversion are associated with a higher eek but those who prefer to be with other people

are no more emotionally intelligent than people who prefer to be alone you can use your personality to assist

in developing your EK but the latter isn't dependent on the former EK is a flexible skill while personality does

not change IQ and personality assessed together are the best way to get a picture of the whole person

when you measure all three in a single individual they don't overlap much instead each covers unique ground that

helps to explain what makes a person tick the impact of ecow much of an impact is EU how much of an impact does

eek you have on your professional success the short answer is a lot it's a powerful way IQ personality and eke's

distinct qualities we all possess together they determine how we think and act it is impossible to predict one

based on another people may be intelligent but not emotionally intelligent and people of

all types of personalities can be high in EQ and uneq of the three EKU is the only quality that is flexible and able

to change to focus your energy in One Direction with a tremendous result we've tested EQ alongside 33 other important

workplace behaviors and found that it subsumes the majority of them including time management decision making and

communication your EK is the foundation for a host of critical skills it impacts most everything you say and do each day

EK is so critical to success that an eek is so critical to success that it accounts for fifty eight percent of

performance in all types of jobs EK is the foundation for a host of critical skills a little effort spent on

increasing your EC tends to have a wide-ranging positive impact on your life accounts for 58 of performance in

all types of jobs it's the single biggest predictor of performance in the workplace and the strongest driver of

leadership and personal excellence no matter whether people measure high or low neck they can work to improve it and

those who score low can actually catch up to their co-workers research conducted at the business school at the

University of Queensland in Australia discovered that people who are low in EQ and job performance can match their

colleagues who excel in both solely by working to improve their crew of all the people we've studied at work we have

found that ninety percent of high performers are also high in equal on the flip side just 20 percent of low

performers are high in the EK you can be a high performer without eek but the chances are slim people who develop

their ekan to be successful on the job because the two go hand in hand naturally people with high aches make

more money an average of 29 000 more per year than people with low E the link between Eakin earnings is so direct that

every Point increases the link between Eco and earnings is so direct that every Point increase in ecad's thirteen

hundred dollars to an annual salary in ecads thirteen hundred dollars to an annual salary these findings hold true

for people in all Industries at all levels in every region of the world we haven't yet been able to find a job in

which performance and pay aren't tied closely to in order to be successful and fulfilled

nowadays you must learn to maximize your EQ skills for those who employ a unique blend of reason and feeling achieve the

greatest result the remainder of this book will show you how to make this happen chapter 3 what

emotional intelligence looks like understanding the four skills to truly improve your ability in the four

emotional intelligence skills you need to better understand each skill and what it looks like in action the four

emotional intelligence skills pair up under two primary competencies personal competence and social competence and

social competence personal competence is made up of your self-awareness and self-management

skills which focus more on you individually than on your interactions with other people personal competence is

your ability to stay aware of your emotions and manage your behavior and tendencies social competence is made up

of your to truly improve your ability in the four emotional intelligence skills you need to better understand each skill

and what it looks like in action social awareness and relationship management skills social competence is your ability

to understand other people's moods behavior and motives in order to improve the quality of your relationships

self awareness self awareness is your ability to accurately perceive your own emotions in the moment and understand

your Tendencies across situations self-awareness includes staying on top of your typical reactions to specific

events challenges and people a keen understanding of your Tendencies is important it helps you quickly make

sense of your emotions uh the four skills that together make up emotional intelligence the top two skills

self-awareness and self-management are more about you the bottom two skills social awareness and relationship

management are more about how you are with other people High degree of self awareness requires a

willingness to tolerate the discomfort of focusing on feelings that may be negative the only way to genuinely

understand your emotions is to spend enough time thinking through them to figure out where they come from and why

they are there emotions always serve a purpose because they are reactions to your life experience emotions always

come from somewhere many times emotions seem to arise out of thin air and it's important to understand why something

gets a reaction out of you people who do this can cut to the core of a feeling quickly situations that create strong

emotions will always require more thought and these prolonged periods of self-reflection often keep you from

doing something that you'll regret self-awareness is not about discovering deep dark secrets or unconscious

motivations but rather it comes from developing a straightforward and honest understanding of what makes you tick

people high in self-awareness are remarkably clear in their understanding of what they do well what motivates and

satisfies them and which people and situations push their buttons the surprising thing about self-awareness is

that just thinking about it helps you improve the skill even though much of your focus initially tends to be on what

you do wrong having self-awareness means you aren't afraid of your emotional mistake

they tell you what you should be doing differently and provide the steady stream of information you need to

understand as your life unfolds self-awareness is a foundational skill when you have it self-awareness makes

the other emotional intelligence skills much easier to you as self-awareness increases people's

satisfaction with life defined as their ability to reach their goals at work and at home skyrockets

self-awareness is so important for job performance that 83 percent of people high in self awareness are top

performers and just two percent of bottom performers are high in self awareness

why is this so when you are self aware you are far more likely to pursue the right opportunities put your strengths

to work and perhaps most importantly keep your emotions from holding you back the need for self awareness has never

been greater Guided by the mistaken notion that psychology deals exclusively with pathology we assume that the only

time to learn about ourselves is in the face of Crisis we tend to embrace those things with which we're comfortable and

put the blinders on the moment something makes us uncomfortable but it's really the whole picture that serves us

the more we understand the Beauty and the blemishes the better we are able to achieve our full potential what

self-awareness looks like Dave T regional service manager self-awareness score 95 Multiplied on what people who

work with him say Dave has clear long-term goals and he doesn't make sacrifices for short-term gains Dave is

an up front kind of guy who doesn't play mind games with people I have witnessed this at company

meetings and in meetings with customers the best example I can provide for Dave is his move to our company I'm sure

there was an intense desire to make changes within the local team right out of the gate but Dave took Extra Care to

diagnose the situation the team and the customer prior to offering suggestions or mandates for chain

in short Dave manages his emotions they don't manage him I've seen him accept difficult business news with a brief

frown and then he quickly moves beyond that and partners with his team to find solutions to improve the situation

multiply on scores are on the one to 100 point scale from the emotional intelligence appraisal scores and

co-worker comments are from actual people though names and other identifying information have been

altered Maria M human resources manager self-awareness scores 90 what people who work with her say in every situation

that I have been involved with good or bad Maria has always remained calm cool and collected even at times when I know

she must have felt frustrated or angry Maria is really honest about what she is feeling without

getting bent out of shape about it when faced with a difficult situation she knows how to be firm and still kind at

the same time she's open and authentic at all times and it is so meaningful to everyone that she interacts with

I would suggest that Maria not change however she can get a bit tougher sooner in some cases she's aware of this and

watches to ensure that she does not let kindness get in the way during challenging situations with employees

Maria is very aware of her tone and makes an effort to keep the conversation appropriate people here trust her what a

lack of self awareness looks like Tina J marketing manager self awareness score 69 what people who work with her say on

occasion Tina stress and sense of urgency are projected to pushed onto other people

it would be good for her to better understand how her behavior affects others work and emotional stress also

she sometimes comes across as defensive or aggressive so for her to be more aware of her tone and language would be

helpful when things are going well for Tina her emotional intelligence skills are stronger she needs to learn to read

herself and recognize her triggers so that she can respond more effectively when triggered she needs to become aware

of how she is perceived she can come across as being very demanding but I don't believe she means to Giles B

operations director self awareness score 67 what people who work with him say Giles is very much in his own little

world he obviously does care about his co-workers but he doesn't seem to know

where to draw a line his personality can be overwhelming but he doesn't notice when the other person is feeling annoyed

frustrated or overwhelmed by him when working with customers he is very good at talking about the products and

services we offer on group projects sometimes he gets so focused on the outcome the process is

missed if he were to take a moment and let all the emotions settle then take a look at the options to reach the desired

outcome things would go more smoothly Giles is passionate about what he does sometimes that passion gets in the way

he might not notice that I'm busy with something else before he jumps in and starts talking to me when he is excited

he talks over you and it is hard to get a word in edgewise he doesn't mean to he just is excited about what he does

self-management self management is what happens when you act or do not act it is dependent on yourself awareness and is

the second major part of personal competence self management is your ability to use your awareness of your

awareness of you emotions to stay flexible and direct your behavior positively this means managing your

emotional reactions to situations and people some emotions create a paralyzing fear

that makes your thinking so cloudy that the best course of action is nowhere to be found assuming that there's something

you should be doing in these cases self-management is revealed by your ability to tolerate the

uncertainty as you explore your emotions and options once you understand and build comfort with what you are feeling

the best course of action will show itself self management is more than resisting explosive or problematic

Behavior the biggest challenge that people face is managing their Tendencies over time and applying their skills in a

variety of situations obvious and momentary opportunities for self-control I.E I'm so mad at that darn

dog are the easiest to spot and manage Real Results come from putting your momentary needs on hold to pursue larger

more important goals the realization of such goals is often delayed meaning that your commitment to

self-management will be tested over and over again those who manage themselves the best are able to see things through

without cracking success comes to those who can put their needs on hold and continually manage their Tendencies Real

Results come from putting your momentary needs on hold to pursue larger more important goals what self-management

looks like Lane L healthcare administrator self management score 93 what people who work

with her say Lane is the epitome of patience and understanding during heated emotionally charged meetings others

around her become fully embroiled in the discussions and lengths actively listens and responds with knowledge and wisdom I

have seen first hand how well she deals with difficult situations IA termination of an employee Lane is sensitive yet

direct and to the point she listens patiently and sets a high standard of conduct Lane is great one on one she

communicates well and thinks on her feet her reaction to the crisis is excellent her ability to separate emotion from

logic makes her a good tactical manager I wish there were many more of her yes she am computer programmer self

management score 91 what people who work with him say yesh handle stressful and confrontational situations very well no

matter how harshly project managers pens Hammer yeshu he never loses his cool this gives him a lot of credibility with

the EMS he's also able to work with other people whose working style he isn't a fan of I know going back and

forth with them can be frustrating sometimes but yes she never loses his patience I've seen yeshi in an extremely

frustrating situation where he couldn't get something done because other people didn't do their jobs he dealt with it

politely and professionally he was able to explain the procedure again in order to achieve the best possible solution

even though he was upset I have never heard yeshi speak negatively about someone who has a different opinion or

idea a lot of talking behind people's backs happens around here and he doesn't give in to the Temptation even when he

feels strongly about an issue what a lack of self-management looks like Jason L formation technology consultant self

management score 59 what people who work with him say in stressful situations or when something goes wrong Jason

sometimes responds too quickly sharply or disjointedly I wish Jason would take some time to cool off and slow down

before responding he's so emotional I have seen his co-workers respond in disbelief to the manner in which he

communicated with them Jason means well but can panic when he is stressed his reactions trickle onto his teammates

Jason should be more aware of his verbal outbursts and how they affect both clients and co-workers

he is not mean-spirited he cares a great deal about others but these verbal miscues are just that outbursts that

need to be thought out before expressed these happen more when he is stressed as the old commercial says he shouldn't let

them see him sweat so much Jason lets his emotions rule his behavior sometimes he acts or speaks hurriedly I wish he

would be a bit more patient and give the situation an opportunity to work itself out before reacting

many times these situations resolve themselves or aren't quite as urgent as he perceives but before you know it he's

heightened the intensity with a flurry of messages Regional sales director self management

score 61 what people who work with her say may needs to not be so honest her staff don't need to know about all of

the bull that goes down at corporate if certain things upset her she needs to learn to keep them to herself when she

is unhappy if she is unhappy it sets the tone for our team may tends to radiate stress in certain situations and as a

leader it impacts her team negatively by creating stress and negativity rather than defusing them me has a hard time

congratulating staff for their accomplishments and it comes across as jealousy

it feels like I'm in competition with her rather than feeling like she wants me to succeed I think me is a great

sales professional and she treats clients well I wish she would give her employees the same treatment mine needs

to be proactive instead of reactive instead of reactive in times of Crisis she shouldn't reveal to everyone how

stressed she is she's so focused and driven to personally succeed that perhaps she takes on too much herself

she has a demanding workload managing the West Coast team but she needs to hold her emotions back when people vent

about their own problems in meetings social awareness as the first component of social competence social awareness is

a foundational skill social awareness is your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other

people and understand what is really going on with them this often means perceiving what other people are

thinking and feeling even if you do not feel the same way it's easy to get caught up in your own emotions and

forget to consider the perspective of the other party social awareness ensures you stay focused and absorb critical

information listening and observing are the most important elements of social awareness

to listen well and observe what's going on around us we have to stop doing many things we like to do we have to stop

talking stop the monologue that may be running through our minds stop anticipating the point the other

person is about to make and stop thinking ahead to what we're going to say next it takes practice to really

watch people as you interact with them and get a good sense of what they're thinking and feeling at times you'll

feel like an anthropologist anthropologists make their living watching others in their natural state

without letting their own thoughts and feelings disturb the observation this is social awareness in its purest

form the difference is you won't be 100 yards away watching events unfold through a

pair of binoculars to be socially aware you have to spot and understand people's emotions while you're right there in the

middle of it uh contributing yet astutely aware member of the interaction what social awareness looks like Alfonso

J pharmaceutical sales manager social awareness score 96 what people who work with him say Alfonso has a rare talent

to be able to read the emotions of others very well he adjusts to different situations and manages to build

relationships with almost anyone good examples are dinners meetings and ride alongs with reps Alfonso does

an excellent job relating to the frustrations reps have with other departments within our company he is

always looking out for his reps and has the ability to put himself in the rep shoes and ask himself what is wrong with

the situation people become very loyal to Alfonso Alfonso recognizes emotions very effectively when it comes to the

end of month numbers and end of year numbers with his reps getting the most out of his team he was great at building

relationships with the surgeons at the dinner table because he could read how to lead the conversation without them

feeling like they were being controlled Maya s organizational development executive social awareness score 90 to

what people who work with her say Maya has an uncanny ability to spot and address the elephant in the room she

does a good job acknowledging other people's feelings when communicating difficult news she reflects how others

are feeling and adapts her communication style to help reach a resolution she gets to know people on a personal

level so she can better understand their perspectives and work well with them Maya is great and executive team

meetings where she respectfully listens to her peers and then offers her opinion she has a sincere interest in

understanding people and offers them valuable insights based on what they're saying or doing she is a good team

Builder who strengthens bonds within the team Maya is the most effective active listener I have ever seen

she is skilled at communicating the context for her comments with the goal of ensuring understanding she is

respectful toward others while being able to establish her Authority Maya motivates and inspires people she can

uplift people and put them at ease what a lack of social awareness looks like Craig C attorney social awareness scores

55 what people who work with him say Craig needs to allow others to feel good about their ideas even when he has a

better plan he also needs to be more patient and allow them to have equally effective plan

that are just different from his plan I would like him to seek to understand what people are feeling and thinking and

notice what evidence there is regarding situations before speaking his opinion or offering Solutions

Craig needs to listen better he needs to pay attention to what is being said rather than thinking about what he wants

to say it is usually apparent in the body language that he is not listening which puts people off

I also wish that he would be more accurate when representing other people's ideas Craig is not one to

socialize he is so focused on work and sometimes comes across as not interested in what's going on with a person on that

particular day when he has new ideas or ideas from his former firm he has a hard time

explaining to them so the staff will accept them Craig should learn to listen to others with his ears and with his

heart he seems to have a hardening of his positions and it makes him unwilling to accept other people's viewpoints or

includes their input in his decisions Rachel m e e project manager social awareness scores 62 what people who work

with her say Rachel misses the non-technical currents in meetings the mood and evolution of opinions are lost

on her Rachel needs to learn to absorb The non-technical Human Side of meetings and become a student of people and

their feelings Rachel gets singularly focused on a particular issue and does not see the forest for the trees this

can get frustrating for those of us around her she is typically oblivious to our reactions she is typically oblivious

to our reactions she should check with everyone around the table to calibrate where their head is at before getting

enmeshed in the details of her project she would be better served by Framing the topic in large chunks rather than

taking everyone through the details straight away Rachel can sometimes get so caught up in her own thoughts during

meetings in one on one conversation that she is not really listening to either the explicit or implicit dialogue going

on this makes her less effective because she is not actively participating in the ongoing conversation and misses

opportunities to influence the direction Rachel needs to work on considering issues from the other person's agenda or

point of view so that she can more effectively influence or at least directly address their perspective it

will also help her to work on making her conversations as concise and targeted as possible

people can lose interest or get confused during long explanations or when they're unclear about the message relationship

management though relationship management is the second component of social competence this skill often Taps

into your abilities in the first three emotional intelligence skills

self-awareness self-management and social awareness relationship management is your ability

to use your awareness of your own emotions and those of others to manage interactions successfully this ensures

clear communication and effective handling of conflict relationship management is also the bond

you build with others over time people who manage relationships well are able to see the benefit of connecting with

many different people even those they are not fond of solid relationships are something that should be sought and

cherished they are the result of how you understand people how you treat them and the history you share the weaker the

connection you have with someone the harder it is to get your point across if you want people to listen you have to

practice relationship management and seek benefits from every relationship especially the challenging ones the

difference between an interaction and a relationship is a matter of frequency it's a product of the quality depth and

time you spend interacting with another person relationship management poses the greatest challenge for most people

during times of stress when you consider that more than 70 percent of the people we've tested have difficulty handling

stress it's easy to see why building quality relationships poses a challenge some of the most challenging and

stressful situations people face are at work conflicts at work tend to Fester when people passively avoid problems

because people lack the skills needed to initiate a direct yet constructive conversation

conflicts at work tend to explode when people don't manage their anger or frustration and choose to take it out on

other people relationship management gives you the skills you need to avoid both scenarios and make the most out of

every interaction you have with another person what relationship management looks like

Gail C Chief Financial Officer relationship management scored 95 what people who work with her say Gail has an

innate ability to read people and their emotions and she uses what she learns to create a safe and inviting forum for

discussion there has never been a time that Gail's door was not open when I have needed her and she always manages

to maintain a pleasant and professional manner even when her workload is demanding people know that they can

count on Gail and what they say to her in confidence will be respected and not repeated

Gail is very sensitive to others and tries to make situations better when someone is upset she asks just enough

questions to get a handle on the situation and then is able to give concrete advice and help to the person

making them feel 100 better Gail makes you feel smart and confident when she delivers feedback even if

you've made a mistake she helps her staff improve and grow and she sets a good example for dealing with people

assertively and speaking up even during tough conversations Gail is concerned about maintaining good comfortable

relationships with all parties involved Gail finds out something about the other person's interests and inquires about it

when meeting even if it appears there is no Common Ground Gail has a firm handle on her own emotions and almost seems to

feel what you feel when she is talking with you which helps you feel like she relates to you and understands you

Aleister B physician relationship management score 93 what people who work with him say Alistar is a wonderfully

patient empathetic listener which is why his patients love him he tries very hard to be non-judgmental and gives people

the benefit of the doubt he is the same way with the nurses and technicians I've seen Alistair in

situations where his patients families were asking difficult questions and he was able to remain calm and answer

without alienating the family member asking the questions he listens carefully to what others say and never

shows if he is upset or bothered by it he responds kindly but with authority alistar's interaction skills are Supreme

in situations that I've witnessed him less than pleased with a specific outcome he has always expressed his

position with thoughtful insight about his expectations without anger or Outburst I describe him as direct yet

free from confrontation or sounding Out of Control he is also quick to praise the staff's efforts and success when

deserving he is good at seeing the overall picture and then Counseling in a compassionate and realistic manner I

have never left Alistar feeling anything less than 110. he knows when to approach an issue sensitively and knows when to

give praise and encouragement Aleister knows his colleagues very well and this enables him to handle conflict flicked

in a calm and positive manner he's respected for collecting feedback before drawing conclusions he tries to find the

best way to communicate with others even when there's an atmosphere of resistance confusion or outright conflict his

ability to empathize with others is outstanding and it creates positive strong relationships what a lack of

relationship management looks like Dave M sales manager relationship management score 66 what people who work with him

say if Dave doesn't see I Tay yai with someone he makes it apparent that it's not worth

developing the relationship I wish that he would still dedicate the time and resources necessary to make a win for

the territory when he feels that a certain person he is working with may not be in an alleys but someone not to

be trusted he will be very clear about his opinion about that person this has a ripple effect on the people he tells and

it erodes camaraderie Dave is usually effective when he gets to know people better and trusts that they are not a

threat but he'll have to get over this if he wants to keep climbing the ladder Dave can get over they're cited when

meeting new people and this can be a good trait but some people don't respond to his

enthusiasm and they pull back from him it makes it hard for them to connect with him I would like to see Dave work

on unifying his team and dispel the feeling that some decisions are made based on his personal opinion or bias

too often people feel as if they've had their professional opinion ignored in spite of providing a solid foundation

for that opinion Dave always reacts to people rather than responding to them to have a strong opinion is fine but to

dismiss others thoughts is not he also needs to tailor his communication style to the person

his approach is nearly always very direct which can be difficult for some people to handle Natalie E.T floor

supervisor relationship management scores 69 what people who work with her say Natalie often minimizes a person's

point of view or experience she justifies bad situations by stating that it could always be worse you just

don't understand or you should just get over it she comes across as blunt and not empathetic particularly with her

subordinates I want her to be more genuine in her interactions with them and show a

general appreciation for others Natalie needs to stop finding faults in every situation it is tiring and demotivating

she needs to start recognizing people's achievements there is a stigma that exists that Natalie is tough difficult

to work for and unapproachable she may achieve results but at the expense of others I would like to see

Natalie avoid making judgmental or negative statements to her team or others when her statements add no value

helping people see what could be done different helps them develop but her continued negative feedback comes across

as her feeling the need to belittle people people no longer value her input and at times view it as her need to be

seen as Superior chapter 4 digging in my emotional intelligence action plan information travels between the rational

and emotional centers of your brain much as cars do on a city street when you practice each skills the traffic flows

smoothly in both directions increases in the traffic strengthen the connection between the rational and

emotional centers of your brain your eek is greatly affected by your ability to keep this road well travel

the more you think about what you are feeling and do something productive with that feeling the more developed this

pathway becomes some of us struggle along a two lane Country Road While others have built a five-lane super

highway whether the former or the latter best describes you there's always room to add Lanes plasticity is the term

neurologists use to describe the brain's ability to change your brain grows new connections much as your biceps matches

your biceps might swell if you started curling heavy weights several times a week the change is gradual and the

weight becomes easier and easier to live the longer you stick to your routine your brain can't swell like your biceps

since it's confined by your skull so instead the brain cells develop new connections to speed the efficiency of

thought without increasing its size as you apply the strategies from the remaining chapters to increase your eke

skills the billions of microscopic neurons lining the road between the rational and emotional centers of your

brain will Branch off Small Arms much like a tree branch to reach out to the other cell

a single cell can grow fifteen thousand connections with its neighbors this chain reaction of growth ensures the

pathway of thought responsible for the behavior grows strong making it easier to kick this new resource into action in

the future you'll have to practice the strategies repeatedly before they'll become your own it can require

tremendous effort to get a new Behavior going but once you train your brain it becomes a habit if you typically a

single cell can grow fifteen thousand connections with its neighbors this chain reaction of growth ensures the

pathway of thought responsible for the behavior grows strong making it easier to kick this new resource into action in

the future yell when you're feeling angry for example you have to learn to choose an alternative reaction

you must practice this new reaction many times before it will replace the urge to yell in the beginning doing something

other than yelling when you are angry will be extremely difficult but each time you succeed the new pathway is

strengthened eventually the urge to yell is so small that it's easy to ignore Studies have demonstrated a lasting

change in IQ more than six years after new skills were first adopted the emotional intelligence action plan that

follows will help you to focus your efforts more effectively as you explore and apply the Eek strategies in the

remaining chapters follow these steps to complete your emotional intelligence action plan one transfer your emotional

intelligence appraisal R scores onto part one my Journey Begins of your emotional intelligence action plan on

page 56 go ahead and write right on the pages of this book 2. pick an eek skill to work on the human mind can focus

effectively on one each skill at a time even the most ambitious people should trust that working diligently on a

single skill will take you fair your ability and other eek skills will piggyback on your effort your feedback

report from the emotional intelligence appraisal our test recommends a skill for you to start with

you may choose a skill on your own instead but we recommend you don't start with relationship management if you

scored lower than 75 in all four EQ skills three pick three strategies to begin using for your chosen skill your

feedback report from the emotional intelligence appraisal are recommends specific strategies from this book based

on an analysis of your score profile feel free to choose from these recommendations or choose different

strategies from the strategies chapter for your chosen skill 4. choose an eek Mentor find someone who

is gifted in your chosen eek skill and ask this person if he or she is willing to offer you feedback and guidance at

regular intervals during your journey be certain to set up a regular meeting time and write this person's name in your

action plan 5. keep the following in mind as you apply your chosen strategies a expect

success not Perfection when it comes to developing new eke skills Perfection means you aren't pushing yourself hard

enough you'll need to continue to catch yourself when your emotions get the best

of you if you want to keep improving B practice practice share quantity of practice is the real

secret to increasing your eat Skills Practice your ET strategies as often as you can in a variety of situations and

with all types of people C be patient when you work to improve your EK it will take a few months to realize a lasting

change most people see measurable enduring changes three to six months after they begin working on a skill six

measure your progress once you've made sufficient progress in the eke skill you selected for part one

of your action plan go online and take the emotional intelligence appraisal r-a-a-e-a-s second time complete part

two of the action plan my EK action plan part one my Journey Begins date completed list your scores from the

emotional intelligence appraisal or test below score overall EQ self-awareness

self-management social awareness relationship management pick one each skill and three strategies which of the

four core emotional intelligence skills will you work on first Circle your chosen skill in the image

below review the strategies for the Eek skill you selected and list up to three that you will practice below one two

three maik Mentor who do you know who is gifted in your chosen EQ skill and willing to provide feedback and advice

throughout your journey my e key Mentor is old new you score score change overall

eek self awareness self-management social awareness relationship management pick a new eke skill and three

strategies based on the results explained in your emotional intelligence appraisal R fed back report where will

you focus your skill development efforts going forward pick a new eke skill and circle it in the image below review the

strategies for the eke skill you selected and list up to three that you will practice below one my new eek

Mentor 2. who do you know who is gifted in your new chosen eek 3 skill and willing to provide feedback and advice

throughout your journey chapter 5 self-awareness strategies simply put to be self-aware is to know yourself as you

really are initially self-awareness can come across as a somewhat ambiguous concept there is no Finish Line where

someone is going to slap a medal on you and Dean you self aware in addition awareness of yourself is not just

knowing that you prefer oranges over apples or telling people that you are a morning person instead of a night owl

it's deeper than that Getting to Know Yourself inside and out is a continuous journey of peeling back the layers of

the onion and becoming more and more comfortable with what is in the middle the true essence of you

your hard-wired emotional reactions to anything come before you even have a chance to respond since it isn't

possible to leave your emotions out of the equation managing yourself and your relationships means you first need to be

aware of the full range of your feelings both positive and negative when you don't take time out to notice and

understand your emotions they have a strange way of resurfacing when you least expect or want them to it's their

way of trying to bring something important to your attention they will persist and the Damage will Mount until

you take notice facing the truth about who you are can at times be unsettling getting in touch with your emotions and

tendencies takes honesty and courage be patient and give yourself credit for even the smallest bits of forward

momentum as you start noticing things about yourself that you weren't previously aware of things you aren't

always going to like you are progressing the remainder of this chapter introduces you to 15 original strategies which were

designed to help you maximize your self-awareness to create positive changes in your life the strategies are

straightforward and packed full of insights and examples that will help yourself awareness grow self-awareness

strategies one quit treating your feelings as good or bad too observe the ripple effect from your emotions three

lean into your discomfort for feel your emotions physically five know who and what pushes your buttons six

watch yourself like a hawk seven keep a journal about your emotions eight don't be fooled by a bad mood nine don't be

fooled by a good mood either tin stop and ask yourself why you do the things you do 11. visit your values 12. check

yourself 13. spot your emotions in books movies and music 14 seek feedback 15. get to know yourself under stress one