Exploring Teen Cancer, Support, and Connection in 'The Fault in Our Stars' Chapter 1

[Music] thefold in Our Stars by John Green Chapter 1 late in the winter of my

17th Year my mother decided I was depressed presumably because I rarely left the house spent quite a lot of time

in bed read the same book over and over ate infrequently and devoted quite a bit of my abundant free time to thinking

about death whenever you read a cancer booklet or website or whatever they always list depression among the side

effects of cancer but in fact depression is not a side effect of cancer depression is a side effect of dying

cancer is also a side effect of dying almost everything is really but my mom believed I required treatment so she

took me to see my regular Dr Jim who agreed that I was veritably Sweeping in a paralyzing and totally clinical

depression and that therefore my MTH should be adjusted and also I should attend a weekly support group this

support group featured a rotating cast of characters in various states of tumor-driven

unwellness why did the cast rotate a side effect of dying the support group of course was depressing as hell it met

every Wednesday in the basement of a stonewal Episcopal Church Church shaped like a cross we all sat in a circle

right in the middle of the Cross where the two boards would have met Where the Heart of Jesus would have been I noticed

this because Patrick the support group leader and only person over 18 in the room talked about the Heart of Jesus

every freaking meeting all about how we as young cancer survivors we're sitting right in Christ's very Sacred Heart and

whatever so here is how it went in God's heart the six or seven or 10 of us walked or wheeled in grazed at a

decrepit selection of cookies and lemonade sat down in the circle of trust and listened to Patrick recount for the

thousandth time his depressingly miserable life story how he had cancer in his balls and they thought he was

going to die but he didn't die and now here he is a full-grown adult in a church basement in the 137th Nic city in

America divorced addicted to video games mostly friendless acing out a meager living by exploiting his cancer tastic

past slowly working his way toward a master's degree that will not improve his career prospects waiting as we all

do for the sword of domal to give him the relief that he escaped those many years ago when cancer took both of his

nuts but sped what only the most generous Soul would call his life and you two might be so lucky then we

introduced ourselves name age diagnosis and how we're doing today I'm Hazel I'd say when they'd get to me 16 thyroid

originally but with an impressive and long settled satellite colony in my lungs and I'm doing okay once we get

around the circle Patrick always asked if anyone wanted to share and then began the circle jerk of support everyone

talking about fighting and battl and winning and shrinking and scanning to be fair to Patrick he let us talk about

dying too but most of them weren't dying most would live into adulthood as Patrick had which meant there was quite

a lot of competitiveness about it with everybody wanting to be not only cancer itself but also the other people in the

room like I realized that this is irrational but when they tell you that you have say a 20% chance of living 5

years the math kicks in and you fig that's one and a five so you look around and think as any healthy person would I

got to outlast four of these bastards the only redeeming facet of support group was this kid named Isaac a

long-faced skinny guy with straight blonde hair swept over one eye and his eyes were the problem he had some

fantastically improbable eye cancer one eye had been cut out when he was a kid and now he wore the kind of thick

glasses that made his eyes both the real one and the glass one pretter naturally huge like his whole head was basically

just this fake eye and this real eye staring at you from what I could gather on the rare occasions when Isaac shared

with the group a recurrence had placed his remaining eye in Mortal Peril Isaac and I communicated almost exclusively

through size each time someone one discussed anti-cancer diets or snorting Roundup shark fin or whatever he'd

glance over at me and sigh ever so slightly I check my head microscopically and exhale in response so support group

blew and after a few weeks I grew to be rather kicking and screaming about the whole Affair in fact on the Wednesday I

made the acquaintance of Augustus Waters I tried my level best to get out of support group while sitting on the couch

with my mom in the third L of 12-hour marathon of the previous season's America's Next Top Model which

admittedly I had already seen but still me I refus to attend support group mom one of the symptoms of depression is

disinterest in activities me please just let me watch America's Next Top Model it's an activity mom television is a

paity me oh Mom please mom Hazel you're a teenager you're not a little kid anymore you need to make friends get out

of the house live your life me if you want me to be a teenager don't send me the support group buy me a fake ID so I

can go to clubs drink vodka and take pot mom you don't take pot for starters me see that's the kind of thing I'd know if

you got me a fake ID mom you're going to support group me Mom Hazel you deserve a life that

shut me up although I failed to see how attendance that support group met the definition of Life still I agreed to go

after negotiating the right to record the 1.5 episodes of entm I'd be missing I went to support group for the

same reason that I'd once allowed nurses with a mere 18 months of graduate education

to poison me with exotically named chemicals I wanted to make my parents happy there's only one thing in this

world shittier than biting it from cancer when you're 16 and that's having a kid who bites it from cancer mom

pulled into the circular driveway behind the church at 4:56 I pretended to fiddle with my

oxygen tank for a second just to kill time do you want me to carry it in for you no it's fine I said the Cal green

tank only weighed a few pounds and I had this little steel card to wheel it around behind me it delivered two lers

of oxygen to me each minute through a canula a transparent tube that split just beneath my neck wrapped behind my

ears and then reunited in my nostrils the contraption was necessary because my lungs sucked at being

lungs I love you she said as I got out you too Mom see you at 600 make friends she said through the roll down window as

I walked away I didn't want to take the elevator because taking the elevator is a last days kind of activity at support

group so I took the stairs I grabbed the cookie and poured some lemonade into a Dixie cup and then turned around a boy

was staring at me I was quite sure I'd never seen him before long and lanly muscular he dwarfed the molded plastic

elementary school chair he was sitting in Mahogany hair straight and short he looked my age maybe a year older and

he sat with his tailbone against the edge of the chair his posture aggressively pour one hand half in a

pocket of dark jeans I looked away subtly conscious of my muriat and sufficiency I was wearing old jeans

which had once been tight but now stacked in weird places and a yellow t-shirt advertising a band I didn't even

like anymore also my hair I had this pig boy haircut and I hadn't even bothered to like brush it furthermore I had

ridiculously fat chipmunk cheeks a side effect of treatment I looked like a normally

proportioner I looked like a normally proportioned person with a balloon forehead this was not even to mention

the canle situation and yet I caught a glance to him and his eyes were still on me it occurred to me why they call it

eye contact I walked into the circle and sat down next to Isaac two seats away from the boy I glanced again he was

still watching me look let me just say it he was hot a non-hot boy stares at you relentlessly

and it is at best awkward and at worst a form of assault but a hot boy well I pulled out my phone and clicked

it so it would display the time 4:59 the circle filled in with the Unlucky 12 to 18s and then Patrick

started out with the Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to

change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference the guy was still staring at me I felt rather blushy

finally I decided that the proper strategy was to stare back boys do not have a monopoly on the staring business

after all so I looked him over as Patrick acknowledged for the thousandth time his bessus Etc and soon it was a

staring contest after a while the boy smiled and then finally his blue eyes glanced away when he looked back at me I

flicked my eyebrows up to say I win he Shrugged Patrick continued and then finally it was time for the

introductions Isaac perhaps you'd like to go first today I know you're facing a challenging time yeah Isaac said I'm

Isaac I'm 17 and it's looking like I have to get surgery in a couple weeks after which I'll be blind not to

complain or anything because I know a lot of us have it worse but yeah I mean being blind does sort of suck my

girlfriend helps though and friends like Augustus he nodded toward the boy who now had a name so yeah Isaac continued

he was looking at his hands which he folded into each other like the top of a Tippi there's nothing you can do about

it we're here for you Isaac Patrick said let Isaac hear it guys and we then all in a monotone said we here for you Isaac

Michael was next he was 12 he had leukemia he'd always had leukemia he was okay or so he said he'd taken the

elevator Lita was 16 and pretty enough to be the object of the hot boy's eye she was a regular in a long remission

from EP deal cancer which I had not previously known existed she said as she had every other time I the 10 support

group that she felt strong which felt like bragging to me as the oxygen drizzling knobs tickled my nostrils

there were five others before they got to him he smiled a little when his turn came his voice was low Smoky and dead

sexy my name is Augustus Augustus Waters he said I'm 17 I had a little touch of ostos oroma a year and a half ago but

I'm just here today at Isaac's request and how are you feeling asked Patrick oh I'm Grand Augustus Waters smiled with a

corner of his mouth I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up my friend when it was my turn I said my name is Hazel

I'm 16 thyroid with Mets in my lungs I'm okay the hour preceeded a pace fights were recounted battles one a m Wars sure

to be lost Hope was clung too families were both celebrated and denounced it was agreed that friends just didn't

get it tears were shed Comfort proferred neither Augustus Waters nor I spoke again until Patrick

said Augustus perhaps you'd like to share your fears with the group my fears yeah I fear obliv Vision he said without

a moment's pause I fear it like the proverbial blind man who's Afraid of the Dark do you soon Isaac said cracking a

smile was that insensitive Augustus asked I can be pretty blind to other people's feelings Isaac was laughing but

Patrick raed a chastening finger and said Augustus please let's return to you and your struggles you said you fear

obliv Vision I did Augustus answered Patrick seemed lost would uh would anyone like to speak to that I hadn't

been in proper School in 3 years my parents were my two best friends my third best friend was an author who

didn't know I existed I was a fairly shy person not the hand raising type and yet just this once I decided to speak I have

freezed my hand and Patrick his Delight evident immediately said Hazel I was I'm sure he assumed opening

up becoming part of the group I looked over at Augustus Waters who looked back at me you could almost see through his

eyes they were so blue there will come a time I said when all of us are dead all of us there will come a time when

there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything there

will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra let alone you everything that we did and built and

wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this I gestured incompass andly will have been for not

maybe that time is coming soon and maybe it is millions of years away but but even if we survive the collapse of our

son we will not survive forever there was time before organisms experienced Consciousness and there will be time

after and if the inevitability of human obliv Vision worries you I encourage you to ignore it God knows that's what

everyone else does I learned this from my aforementioned third best friend Peter

Van hton the reclusive author of An Imperial Affliction the book that was as close a thing as I had to a Bible Peter

Van hton was the only person I'd ever come across who seemed to a understand what it's like to be dying and be not

have died after I finished there was quite a long period of silence as I watched a smile spread all the way

across Augusta's face not the little crooked smile of the boy trying to be sexy while he stared at me but his real

smile too big for his face God down Augustus said quietly aren't you something else not neither of us said

anything for the rest of support group at the end we all had to hold hands and Patrick led us in a prayer Lord Jesus

Christ we are gathered here in your heart literally in your heart as cancer survivors you and you alone know us as

we know ourselves guide us to life and the light through our times of trial we pray for Isaac's eyes for Michael's and

Jim's blood for ust's bones for Hazel's lungs for James throat we pray that you might heal us and that we might feel

your love and your peace which passes all understanding and we remember in our hearts Those whom we

knew and loved who have gone home to you Maria and Cade and Joseph and Haley and Abigail and Angelina and Taylor and

Gabriel and it was a long list the world contains a lot of dead people and while Patrick droned on reading the list from

a sheet of paper because it was too long to memorize I kept my eyes closed trying to think pray F but mostly Imagining the

day when my name would find its way onto that list all the way at the end when everyone had stopped

listening when Patrick was finished we set this stupid Mantra together living our best life today and it was over

Augustus Waters pushed himself out of his chair and walked over to me his gate was tricked like his smile he towered

over me but he kept his distance so I wouldn't have to Crane my neck to look him in the eye what's your name he asked

Hazel no your full name um hazel graine Caster he was just about to say something else when Isaac walked up hold

on Augustus said raising a finger and turned to Isaac that was actually worse than you made it out to be I told you it

was Bleak why do you bother with it I don't know it kind of helps Augustus

leaned in so he thought I couldn't hear she's a regular I couldn't hear Isaac's comment but Augustus responded I'll say

he clasped Isaac by both shoulders and then took a half step away from him tell Hazel about

Clinic Isaac leaned a hand against the snack table and focused his huge eye on me okay so I went to the clinic this

morning and I was telling my surgeon that I rather be deaf than blind and he said it doesn't work that way and I was

like yeah I realize it it doesn't work that way I'm just saying I'd rather be deaf than blind if I had the choice

which I realize I don't I don't have and he said well the good news is that you won't be deaf and I was like thank you

for explaining that my eye cancer isn't going to make me deaf I feel so fortunate that an intellectual giant

like yourself would Dain to operate on me he sounds like a winner I said I'm going to try to get me some eye cancer

just so I can make this guy's acquaintance good luck with that all right I should go Monica's waiting for

me I got to look at her uh a lot while I can counter surgeons tomorrow Augustus asked definitely Isaac turned and ran up

the stairs taking them two at a time Augustus Waters turned to me literally he said literally I asked we are

literally in the Heart of Jesus he said I thought we were in a church basement but we are literally in the Heart of

Jesus someone should tell Jesus I said I mean it's got to be dangerous storing children with cancer in your heart I

will tell him myself Augustus said but unfortunately I'm literally stuck inside of his heart so he won't be able to hear

me I laughed he shook his head just looking at me what I asked nothing he said why are you looking at me like that

Augustus half smiled because you're beautiful I enjoy looking at beautiful people and I decided a while ago not to

deny myself the simpler pleasures of existence a brief awkward silence ensued Augustus bloed through I mean

particularly given that as you so deliciously pointed out all of this will end in obliv vision and everything I

kind of scoffed or s or exhaled in a way that was vaguely Coffey and then said I'm not beautiful you're like a

millennial Natalie Portman like V for vendata Natalie Portman never seen it I said really he asked pixie hair gorgeous

girl dislikes Authority and can't help but fall for a boy she knows is trouble it's her autobiography so far as I can

tell his every syllable flirted honestly he kind of turned me on I didn't even know that guys could turn me on not like

in real life a younger girl walked past us how's it going Alisa he asked she smiled and mumbled hi Augustus Memorial

people he explained Memorial was the big research hospital where do you go children's I said my voice smaller

than I expected it to be he nodded the conversation seemed over well I said nodding vaguely to where steps that led

us out of the literal Heart of Jesus I tilted my cart onto its wheels and started walking he limped beside me so

see next time maybe I asked you should see it he said V4 vendada I mean okay I said I'll look it up no with me at my

house he said now I stopped walking I hardly know you Augustus Waters you could be an axe

murderer he nodded true enough Hazel Grace he walked past me his shoulders filling out his green nit polo shirt his

back straight his steps lilting just slightly to the right as he walked steadying confident on what I had

determined was a prosthetic leg osteos saroma sometimes takes a limb to check you out then if it likes you it takes

the rest I followed him upstairs losing ground as I made my way up slowly stairs not being a field of expertise for my

lungs and then we were out of Jesus's heart and in the parking lot the spring gear just on the cold side of perfect

the late afternoon light Heavenly in its hurtfulness mom wasn't there yes yet which was unusual because Mom was almost

always waiting for me I glanced around and saw that a tall curvy brunette girl had Isaac pinned against the stone wall

of the church kissing him rather aggressively they were close enough to me that I could hear the weird noises of

their mths together and I could hear him saying always and her saying always in return suddenly standing next to me

Augustus half whispered they are big Believers in PTA what's with the always the slurping sounds intensified always

is their thing they'll always love each other and whatever I would conservatively estimate they have texted

each other the word always for a million times in the last year a couple more cars drove up taking Michael and Alisa

away it was just Augustus and me now watching Isaac and Monica who preceded a pace as if they were not leading against

a place of worship His Hand reached for her boob over her shirt and po at it his spawn still while his fingers moved

around I wondered if that felt good didn't seem like it would but I decided to forgive Isaac on the grounds that he

was going blind the senses must Feast while there is yet hunger and whatever imagine taking the last drive to the

hospital I said quietly the last time you'll ever drive a car without looking over at me Augustus said you're killing

my vibe here Hazel Grace I'm trying to observe Young Love and its many splendored awkwardness I think he's

hurting her boob I said yes it's difficult to Asser whether he's trying to arouse her or perform a breast exam

then Augustus Waters reached into a pocket and pulled out of all things a pack of cigarettes he flipped it open

and put a cigarette between his lips are you serious I asked you think that's cool oh my God you just ruined the whole

thing which whole thing he asked turning to me the cigarette dangled unlit from unsmiling corner of his mouth the whole

thing we a boy who's not unattractive or unintelligent or seemingly in any way unacceptable stares at me and points out

incorrect uses of literality and Compares me to actresses and asks me to watch a movie at his house but of course

there is always a hom Maria and yours is that oh my God even though you had freaking cancer you give money to a

company in exchange for the chance to acquire yet more cancer oh my God let me just assure you that not being able to

breathe sucks totally disappointing totally aamia he asked the cigarette still in his mouth it tightened his jaw

he had a hell of a jaw line unfortunately a fatal flaw I explained turning away from him I stepped toward

the curb leaving Augustus Waters behind me and then I heard a car start down the street it was Mom she'd been waiting for

me to like make friends or whatever I felt this weird mix of disappointment and anger welling up inside of me I

don't even know what the feeling was really just that there was a lot of it and I wanted to smack Augustus Waters

and also replace my lungs with with lungs that didn't suck at being lungs I was standing with my Chuck tailor on the

very edge of the curb the oxygen tank while and chaining in the cart by my side and right as my mom pulled up I

felt a hand grab mine I yanked my hand free but turned back to him they don't kill you unless you light them he said

as Mom arrived at the curb and I've never lit one it's a metaphor see you put the killing thing right between your

teeth but you don't give it the power to do its killing it's a metaphor I said dubious mom was just idling it's a

metaphor he said you choose your behaviors based on their metaphorical resonances I said oh yeah he smiled the

big Goofy real smile I'm a big believer in metaphor Hazel Grace I turned to the car tapped the window it's rolled down

I'm going to a movie with Augustus Waters I said please record the next several episodes of the entm marathon

for me